Stop Saying It's Ok to Not Be OK

A common phrase I have heard is "It's ok to not be ok"

That's a great phrase to say to someone else if you can tell they are struggling. Most people don't want to admit something is wrong, and they'll deny it with every fiber of their being. But it always ends up surfacing.

The first time I heard "it's ok to not be ok" was at Kairos, a retreat held for upperclassmen at my high school. 

Kairos is an amazing retreat. It allows people to open up and live in a Christian community. I was a retreater and a leader, and both times I was able to encounter people being authentic with strangers for the first time. It was a beautiful experience. Oh, and there was plenty of food

I didn't really have any major issues worth revealing, but I really did revel in the phrase, "It's ok to not be ok." And unlike the kids who really had rough lives and bottled everything up for years and years, I internalized this simple phrase in an unhealthy manner, and I believe many people do the same thing.

I could not stop crying.

If something bad happened, I let that fill my entire life and dwelled on it for as long as I could. I mean, it was ok to not be ok right? Semesters were defined by my struggles more-so than the milestones I reached, the friends I made, and the accomplishments I experienced. 

Man did I piss people off.

I kept that mentality in my head for a long time. I wish I could say there was a moment when I flipped the switch, but I can't.

That is probably a good thing.

See, you can't change everything at once.

You can't assume that if you tell yourself to stop crying, to stop being obsessive, or to stop being hurt that it will all go away. Pain isn't some simple switch. Your body, your mind, your heart...these all heal in their own space and time.

But you have to let that happen.

More importantly...

You have to make that happen.

You have to stop telling yourself that it is ok to not be ok. You have to stop letting your heart sit in the same ditch because you convinced yourself that that was a proper means to an end. By sitting in the ditch, waiting for some miracle, you are simply letting the wound fester.

To heal means to change, to redress the wound.

Therefore, instead of saying "it's ok to not be ok," say something more productive...

Say, "it's going to be ok."

It's going to be ok means that even though it sucks now that there will be a greater end. It doesn't matter why or how. You are going somewhere, and that is all that matters.

I think it was somewhere in the end of senior year of college that I stopped saying that it was ok to not be ok. When that was, I am not sure, all I know is the rewards I received from this simple mentality shift.

I forgave people.

I stopped crying by myself and actually went to get help.

I took risks, and when I failed, I laughed and took the next step.

I was happier and healthier.

My life certainly isn't perfect. I will admit that I have shed a few tears these past four months, but I won't say they lasted for long. There are too many amazing people, classes, and experiences in my life to dwell on my setbacks and injuries. 

So when it gets tough, when I am sitting alone in the lab after a rough day, I just take a breath and say

It's going to be ok Felicity

Maybe not today

But definitely sometime

You are going now.

Go be better.

It's going to be ok.

But there is something else that matters just as much that I often forget. Don't tell yourself that it is going to be ok without doing something to make yourself feel better. 

I could give a million ways, but I would like to highlight just one:

Find a friend.

Find a friend, any friend, to tell them that you are not ok. Let them know why. But most importantly, tell them that you are going to be ok. Let them know that even though you are hurting that you are going to get better, and you are trusting them with the low point so that they could celebrate the high points. 

It doesn't have to be a big thing where you sob for over an hour. Just take a second to acknowledge the hardship, and then let your friend help you move forward.

I had a good friend in undergrad who made it a point to be happy for twice the amount you were sad. So if I cried to him for half an hour, then we would make stupid jokes and play video games for an hour. If I told him that I got a bad grade, then he would tell me a somewhat longer story about something happy.

When you have someone around who is willing to just be happy with you, you have a chance to start feeling better right away.

So when a friend comes to you in distress, let their pain come, but give them a chance to smile. You may not know how many things go wrong in their day.

Also remind them that there are many people alongside you. Everyone matters, and we all are capable to help someone start to get better. In the short time I have had at Notre Dame has already shown the effects of having a lab team that is behind me every step of the way. (Some day I'll have to write a book about these kids.)

So if you are having a rough day, rough week, rough month, whatever it was, say to yourself "It's going to be ok," and then go do something fun with a friend.

Yes, it's ok to not be ok, but you have to know that it is going to be ok.