Lonely Girl

Today I want to tell y’all a story about a girl I used to know.

She was an incredible young woman. She was beautiful. Not the cover of a magazine beautiful, but the kind of beautiful that made people stop for a moment. They did not stop because she was hot; they stopped because she somehow managed to draw people to herself everywhere she went. There was something in her eyes that told people they could trust her.

Not only did this young woman draw people in

But she also sought them out.

This young lady had the ability to sense the loneliest person in a room within an instant. She could see the person who ached the most. She could see the person who was misunderstood. She could see the people everyone else seemed to ignore.

So she went to them in love.

And they came to her in hope.

Day in and day out, this young woman would listen to the stories of these people. Sometimes she would even try to help them out. Most of the time, however, she just chose to be with them. She figured that someone else could help her new friend figure out their issues.

In hope of finding a home for her hurting friend, she would seek out someone to fill the space she did not believe she belonged in.

I am still amazed by the communities this young woman built up. No matter where she went, she would find every connection needed to make a community feel like home. She found souls without families, without rest, without hope, and she gave them pseudo-families, peace, and hope for a brighter future.

It made her feel important.

She figured that if the community really did recognize her value as much as she believed they did that she could really trust them. You see, for all this time, the young woman was bottling up all of her emotions, all of her thoughts, all of her reactions for the sake of her new friends. She could not explain why, but she knew that as soon as she took off her mask that she would upset people.

“I have to be the happy one,” she would say.

No friendship can be based solely on the surface. Without authenticity, without vulnerability, the girl would never be able to sustain a real friendship. She saw the real person in front of her, and she made it so that that person was loved by everyone around her.

And as they all grew in love, she felt herself falling away.

“It’s not me. It’s not me,” she would think. She was not the important one at all. No. She was the one who made everyone happy, but they did not really need her. This of course was not true, but there was no stopping her from thinking these dangerous thoughts. No one knew what went on in the heart of this young woman.

So she would try to fill the void made by her mask.

At first it would be a new hobby. She would find a new dieting scheme, a new recipe, a new fitness routine, a new art project, a new band to listen to, a new Netflix series to watch, anything to fill the fact that she could never really make the same connections as everyone else. She figured that if she did something interesting with her free time that people would want to connect to her again.

People took interest in the young woman, just as she predicted. 

“This time I’ll let people in,” the young woman would tell herself. “It won’t be like the other times. No. These people will understand the real me, the me that I want the world to see. They will understand why I am so happy, why I am so sad, why I am so scared. They’ll understand.”

The mask went off.

Without her well-crafted mask, the girl allowed every emotion out. People were shocked that such a happy girl could be so mad about something for so long without any sign of getting over it. People were shocked that such a level-headed girl could be so energetic. People were shocked that such a smart girl could say such foolish things.

No one, not even the young woman herself, knew that she could not self-soothe.

No one, not even the young woman herself, knew that her moods were disordered.

The new people were shocked, but they did not stop being friends with the young woman. You see, Dear Reader, this young woman saw the shock in their faces, and she immediately regretted her decision. She did not like the surprise. She did not like the confusion. Ashamed of her inability to understand even her own emotions, she continued to seek out souls to love.

Yet again she made new friends, hoping for a better outcome.

She wore her mask again.

As time went on, she would eventually look back at her most recent friend group. They were all still her friends, and they all still loved her. However, their lives did not appear to be different at all. They were happy.

“Not me,” the girl would think.

“It’s her fault.” “It’s his fault.” “It’s the system going against me.” she would think to herself. Because she did not understand what was really going on in her head and heart, the girl would create drama in her own head. She did not like drama. She did not like seeing people unhappy. However, because she was so hurt by her own head, she created external drama.

She even left communities she loved because she was convinced that people didn’t like her.

Without explanation, without understanding, the girl wandered the world, connected and lonely at the same time.

She was different. The girl knew this all her life, but she didn’t know how to admit it. She explored mental health, but because she was successful in school and could make friends, she assumed that her mental health was fine. No matter how much support she had, the girl did not want to admit that she really was different.

But she was different.

And that was a good thing.

How do I know?

Because that girl was me, pre-diagnosis with ADHD.

Next week, I’ll explain why, but I wrote this story for my Dear Readers to understand that ADHD is not just about fidgeting and a lack of focus. ADHD, like many other mental health concerns, is much more than the predominant features. However, there is one feature that is across the board: an inability to regulate mood and connect to others.

ADHD is a developmental disorder, which means that it will never go away, no matter how many drugs someone takes or how many hours they spend in therapy.

Without treatment, the cycle I described above will continue without end.

But with help, the loneliness stops coming so often.

And all of the ADHD perks emerge.

My Dear Readers, if you resonate with this post, please take a moment to think about why. Is there a person in your life that you could see in this light? Do you feel this same loneliness? If so, please contact me. If not me, then please talk to someone you trust, talk to a doctor, talk to an authority figure, talk to your family, talk to someone.

No one has to be alone.