Mental Game

I received a message from a friend earlier today that said, "It looks like you're having the time of your life at Notre Dame!"

It was the most ironic thing I had seen in a while.

Coming back to Notre Dame has been nothing short of a nightmare.


The unfortunate truth is that I left Notre Dame with nothing but a string of failures behind me. My experiment that I have been working on for six and a half months still is on the first step. Another collaborative experiment I have been working on for the past month has gone back to the very beginning. My mentee has not gotten any further. My grades are hardly what they were in undergrad, and I pretend I am able to keep up by drawing figures in class.

The only thing I haven't screwed up is Micro Lab, and that's because I love the undergrads here more than a grad student ought to.

I convinced myself that it was not all that bad.



I speak all the time about how it is important to be authentic, to be honest, to be real with people. Yet here I am, playing the "imposter syndrome" game better than anyone else. My break at home looked restful, and yet I hardly slept because I stayed up late, coughing and crying because I could not sleep. Then I came back to campus and talked about how I was so grateful for a lab to come home to.

Yes, I love my lab and I love science, but I was just saving face.



The reality is that I came back to campus and I remembered just how far behind I was on my research, how terrible my Cell Biology midterm was, how little I understood in Molecular Bio, and how I had neglected my Residence Life position.

You know why I came back to the lab the moment I returned to campus?

Because I knew I could turn off all the lights and cry under my desk lamp.




My friend Lauren was told by someone that Grad School is more of a mental game than anything else. There are moments when you do not believe that you are good enough, that you do not see your worth in the midst of all the amazing people around you, that you do not feel like you belong.

"It's easy to get in to Grad School, but it's hard to stay in Grad School," my mom told me once.



I am in the midst of this mental game in a way that I have never had to face before. In the past when I did not see my worth or strength or intelligence, I would go home. I would sit with my dad and talk about my classes, and I would feel validated and excited again. I would talk to my mom about all of the people and experiences, and I would feel included and important. I would teach my little sisters scientific processes, and I would feel capable. I would dance with Cordelia, and I would feel free. I would play video games and catch with my brothers, and I would feel strong.

Team Newton is not in South Bend.

But there is hope in the darkness.



These past few days have shown me that there are always people who are there to remind you that you do belong. The Bio Girls Squad has been there every single hour, texting each other, opening up our apartments and fridges. My roommate has sat up with me while I cried about how much I missed my mom. Another good friend of mine didn't judge me too much for insisting on going on the swings at 10pm in 40 degree weather. The undergrads in my lab have let me teach them more techniques and intentionally ask me to sit with them at the microscope again.


Maybe I do not have the top score in the class anymore.

Maybe my bench work has little to show for all the hours I put in.

Maybe I am a little stressed...ok a lot stressed

Maybe I have lost my focus



I do know one thing though: I have love.

My family raised me to take in any and all hearts, listen to them, and let whatever it is go. For the first time in my life, I have been forced to ask others to let me in. It was scary, but the love of those around me here is what has gotten me through the darkest points of my return to campus. They let me be me.


Love is the one thing we need. 


Sometimes we think that we are undeserving of love. We think that our mistakes, that our misunderstandings, our failures, anything really would take away from the beauty of who we are. That is not the case. Regardless of your brokenness, you are still worth the love of those around you.


I do not know when I will start feeling at home again, and I do not know when I will be successful in the lab, but I do know that I am loved here. I know that there are amazing souls that are here to build me up, souls that are willing to be lifted by me as well.



Sure, I am screwed up.

But everyone's messed up in their own way.


To win the mental game of Grad School, or life in general, we have to admit that we are not perfect. We have to accept that it takes time to get where we need to go. In order to win, we have to be willing to fail.

And when we fail, we have to be willing to let someone pick us up.


Thank you to the amazing Notre Dame community that reminded me that while I am not ok now, I will be ok.