Controls

“And what do the tubules look like in controls?” my advsior asked me.

My pen froze on my notebook.

I didn’t do controls.

My heart sank. With our first STARD9 paper nearly ready for publication, I was excited to start our second round of experiments for our second paper. The undergraduate who works closely with me on this project was waiting for the next step to begin. These were her hypotheses, and we were not going to test them until I did the experiments.

“How many tubules are there in a normal cell?” My advisor broke the silence.

“I don’t know,” I shrugged, “A bunch?”

I was sent out to get to work on the controls.

A control experiment is simply observing what we already know. Some experiments are positive, where we know that something will happen. Some are negative, and the process you are investigating does not occur. A third is simply observing what is happening in the present moment, merely noticing what is supposed to happen.

Essentially what I was asked to do was watch my lysosome tubules as they are.

Nothing fancy.

Just be there.

Many of us act under the assumption that we already know what is supposed to happen. We act like we know that if we don’t plan out the entire future that we will end up with nothing. We act like the job we have right now is not worthy of what we are going to be. We act like there is no need to look back on our upbringing because “I’m my own person.”

If we are unaware of what is “normal,” then we will never experience the extraordinary.

If we do not accept the life we have right in this moment, then we will not be able to appreciate the future.

Of course this is particularly difficult. I did not do my control experiments because I had already seen dozens of lysosome tubule movies on the other graduate students’ computer, in a few brave papers, and whenever my advisor presented our work. I knew what tubulation looked like when other people performed the experiment. 

I accepted that tubules were there, but I did not really think about the implications of these controls.

Because I did not take the time to observe the present, I lost the intricacy of life that God made.

JUST LOOK AT HOW COOL LYSOSOME TUBULATION IS Y'ALL!!!!
(Brumfield et al, to be published at some point. I'll change this when we're done!)

Now there is a part of control experiments that I did not mention. Someone had to figure out what is supposed to be present in positive, negative, and “normal” conditions. In order to have a strong control, you have to be explore and find the truth. 

Some parts of life are easy. Basic bodily functions, some social constructs, and general day to day life is easy to figure out. It is easy to clock in to our lives each day when we open our eyes and clock out when we close them at night. However, this sort of life is boring, and it leaves us wanting more.

We go out, searching for something, experimenting with whatever comes our way.

But if we do not know the “controls” of our lives, can we really experiment with the future?

I have spoken at great length about how my family acts as my Heaven on Earth. Because my family acts in this way, they also serve as my control. I know what I am supposed to find in this life because my family allows me to be myself, and they inspire me to be a better woman every day. I don't know where I would be without the guidance of my mother who responds to nearly every text, takes as many phone calls as possible, and lives a life that I can be proud to follow. My siblings are the greatest lights of my life, and I know that with them that I can and will do everything to the best of my ability.

Team Newton is my positive control.

Last Monday, on a phone call with my father, I explained how lost I felt in my lab. I had generated so much data, but I did not even know if that was what my advisor needed. I had some ideas, but they all seemed too far fetched to pursue. I had gotten lost in the jumble of papers, grants, classes, and whatever else was going on.

“I don’t know if I am doing the right thing,” I said.

“Felicity, your lab should have been covered in cobwebs and dust when your PI got back,” my dad said, “But you kept working, and you did your best work without wasting reagents. That is exactly what you were supposed to do.”

“I just worked because I love it and because you and mom raised me to always do my best.”

“And that’s exactly what you are supposed to do,” my dad said on the other line, “You keep doing what you do, and you will be ok.”

If I could have those sorts of conversations every day, I would. If I could be with my family every day, I would. However, they are 450 miles away from my lab bench. The most powerful positive control in my life is too far away for me to repeat the “experiment” every day, so I had to find something new. I already tried the negative control of being alone, and I can say that is the absolute worst way to find your place in a community.

So I looked around at what I already knew.

I had to be present.

Remember how I said that controls have to be found? Well, I found my control a year ago.

It was on an apartment floor with three other young women, greasy food, and a good conversation. We all shared our hearts, and we talked about what really mattered to us. In an unexpected turn of events, we all described what we really wanted in life, from relationships to careers to dogs. 

This core group of women became my control.

But I did not repeat the control enough, especially in the hardest times of my project.

Nine days shy of that afternoon, I found myself in the control environment again. We sat on the same floor, with greasy food in front of us, and we talked about the same big ideas we discussed 356 days prior. However, this time it was different.

We told one another what they wanted in life.

Perhaps our understanding of the control can change, but the results should be the same each time.

A control reminds us what is meant to be, and my little squad reminded each member of their purpose and of their desires. We may not have gathered in celebration as we had the first time, but it did not matter. A control is a control. 

It doesn’t matter what the experiment is because the control should not change.

If you are struggling, take time to look around and see what you already know. There is always a person, a project, an idea, a reason to remember who you are and why you were brought to this place. God does not leave us alone. Jesus sent out His Apostles in pairs, and so too are we sent out in to this world.

No one is without a control.

Thank you to Team Newton and to my Bio Girls Squad for being my controls. I love y’all.