Plans

As I have written previously, I am the queen of making plans. 

I have two planners, tons of colored markers, sticky notes in cute shapes, and calendars all over the place. I plan out five alternative conversations when I need to talk about something important. When it comes to my future house, pets, and career, I have a perfectly crafted design that HGTV should be picking up on soon. If there is something to plan, then I probably have already considered it.

There are things you can plan

And there are things you cannot plan

You can make your meal plan for the week. You can make To-Do lists. You can plan your outfit for the next day, accessories and all. Basically, you can make plans for tangible things. If it is something that you physically can hold, then you can most likely plan for it.

When we try to make all of the plans for ourselves, we are let down. No person can say exactly when they are going to be promoted, nor can they say exactly when they will be married. You can’t even say who will be in your classes next semester with complete certainty. Intangible things, such as friendships, acceptances, promotions, or your coworkers cannot be planned out.

I used to think that I could control even these intangible aspects of my life.

Dance auditions, relationships, class schedule, leadership positions, whatever it was, I thought that I could plan when and where and how they would come to fruition. If I just followed a set protocol, then everything would work out as I wanted it to.

Of course it didn’t

The reason why was that each of these plans I made were dependent on other people.

No person can truly tell you what to wear or eat, at least in the adult world. No other person can dictate what you put on your To-Do list, or what brand of eyeshadow you use. Intangible things, such as positions of leadership, friendships, or even the school you get in to are dependent on other people agreeing with your plan.

There is one person in particular that can completely demolish your plans. He is by and far the greatest planner, but He is not always clear when He tells you what is in store. Instead, he comes in to your life, wrecks your plans in one fell swoop, and as you pick yourself up off the ground, you notice what lies before you.

That person is God.

I recently have had my life flipped, twisted, turned upside-down not once, but twice by God. At first, I had a pretty good idea of everything I wanted, and about midway through September, God openned my eyes to new possibilities in relationships and careers. Then, in the end of October, He flipped me over again, leaving me in more pain than I had felt in a long time, which is described here.

At the Biology Halloween party, I went back to my car and screamed at God, asking Him why He was flipping me over back and forth like my bacterial cultures.

Like I said, God is not particularly clear on His answers.

What I did get however were my friends rushing to my aid. Because all I need to feel better is laughter, one of my friends insisted on having twerk lessons, which I will admit was the highlight of the evening. Still sore from the heartache, I went through the rest of the weekend praying over and over again for God to answer my questions.

The struggles ended on Halloween.

I won’t go in to details for the sake of those involved, but at long last my position both academically and socially was made clear on Halloween. I will admit that there were quite a few tears in the moment.

Afterwards, I drove to my family’s favorite restaurant, Carrabba’s, to pick up my favorite chicken to feel better. My roommate, Barbara, came along with me, and I talked her through everything. 

If anything the conversation was a sort of prayer.

One of the issues that I brought up was something that I had been praying over since I was 13 years old when a boy broke my heart (yes, that indeed happened. I have been a romantic all my life.) For nearly ten years I asked God to explain certain things about my life, and He never really explained anything.

For ten years, I would ask God the same questions, unsure of His response, anxious that I would never understand His plan.

Still I prayed

At 7:50pm on Halloween, as I was driving Barbara and my chicken home, God finally answered my prayer. Ten years were ended by a difficult month, a rough conversation, How I Met Your Mother, and a text from my little brother Mark.

For the first time in over a month, I slept through the night.

Many people were surprised to see the bouncing happy Felicity singing “Happy All Saints’ Day!” down the hallway that Tuesday afternoon. I could not contain my joy. It was as if a little dark cloud over my heart had dissipated. God had been taking care of me all of these years, and I did not even have to ask Him to do so.

God works in our lives in ways we would never expect. His plans are beautiful, even if they are difficult to follow. There certainly was no way for me to know what God had in store for me these past ten years. I could not plan for the triumph and the heartaches, nor could I plan for the places I ended up and the people alongside me. 

Looking back it all makes sense.

Our plans, while good, may not be perfect. Yes, God did give us free will, but He also has provided multiple paths for us to choose from. He gives us the space to follow our own hearts, but He guides us to better paths, ones that fit in to His great plan, a plan that we will never know on our own.

I am so grateful for the low points, for they gave me greater understanding of this high point God has in store for me.

Ten years lifted

“Beloved:

See what love the Father has bestowed on us

that we may be called the children of God.

Yet so we are.

The reason the world does not know us

is that it did not know him.

Beloved, we are God’s children now;

what we shall be has not yet been revealed.

We do know that when it is revealed we shall be like him,

for we shall see him as he is.” 1 John 3:1-3

I pray that you my Dear Readers do not grow weary in your lives, that even if something is unclear, that even if you are in pain, that you continue to fight the good fight. There is a beautiful, glorious, and perfect answer to all of your questions.

It is just going to take some time

And you cannot plan for the return call.