Controls

“And what do the tubules look like in controls?” my advsior asked me.

My pen froze on my notebook.

I didn’t do controls.

My heart sank. With our first STARD9 paper nearly ready for publication, I was excited to start our second round of experiments for our second paper. The undergraduate who works closely with me on this project was waiting for the next step to begin. These were her hypotheses, and we were not going to test them until I did the experiments.

“How many tubules are there in a normal cell?” My advisor broke the silence.

“I don’t know,” I shrugged, “A bunch?”

I was sent out to get to work on the controls.

A control experiment is simply observing what we already know. Some experiments are positive, where we know that something will happen. Some are negative, and the process you are investigating does not occur. A third is simply observing what is happening in the present moment, merely noticing what is supposed to happen.

Essentially what I was asked to do was watch my lysosome tubules as they are.

Nothing fancy.

Just be there.

Many of us act under the assumption that we already know what is supposed to happen. We act like we know that if we don’t plan out the entire future that we will end up with nothing. We act like the job we have right now is not worthy of what we are going to be. We act like there is no need to look back on our upbringing because “I’m my own person.”

If we are unaware of what is “normal,” then we will never experience the extraordinary.

If we do not accept the life we have right in this moment, then we will not be able to appreciate the future.

Of course this is particularly difficult. I did not do my control experiments because I had already seen dozens of lysosome tubule movies on the other graduate students’ computer, in a few brave papers, and whenever my advisor presented our work. I knew what tubulation looked like when other people performed the experiment. 

I accepted that tubules were there, but I did not really think about the implications of these controls.

Because I did not take the time to observe the present, I lost the intricacy of life that God made.

JUST LOOK AT HOW COOL LYSOSOME TUBULATION IS Y'ALL!!!!
(Brumfield et al, to be published at some point. I'll change this when we're done!)

Now there is a part of control experiments that I did not mention. Someone had to figure out what is supposed to be present in positive, negative, and “normal” conditions. In order to have a strong control, you have to be explore and find the truth. 

Some parts of life are easy. Basic bodily functions, some social constructs, and general day to day life is easy to figure out. It is easy to clock in to our lives each day when we open our eyes and clock out when we close them at night. However, this sort of life is boring, and it leaves us wanting more.

We go out, searching for something, experimenting with whatever comes our way.

But if we do not know the “controls” of our lives, can we really experiment with the future?

I have spoken at great length about how my family acts as my Heaven on Earth. Because my family acts in this way, they also serve as my control. I know what I am supposed to find in this life because my family allows me to be myself, and they inspire me to be a better woman every day. I don't know where I would be without the guidance of my mother who responds to nearly every text, takes as many phone calls as possible, and lives a life that I can be proud to follow. My siblings are the greatest lights of my life, and I know that with them that I can and will do everything to the best of my ability.

Team Newton is my positive control.

Last Monday, on a phone call with my father, I explained how lost I felt in my lab. I had generated so much data, but I did not even know if that was what my advisor needed. I had some ideas, but they all seemed too far fetched to pursue. I had gotten lost in the jumble of papers, grants, classes, and whatever else was going on.

“I don’t know if I am doing the right thing,” I said.

“Felicity, your lab should have been covered in cobwebs and dust when your PI got back,” my dad said, “But you kept working, and you did your best work without wasting reagents. That is exactly what you were supposed to do.”

“I just worked because I love it and because you and mom raised me to always do my best.”

“And that’s exactly what you are supposed to do,” my dad said on the other line, “You keep doing what you do, and you will be ok.”

If I could have those sorts of conversations every day, I would. If I could be with my family every day, I would. However, they are 450 miles away from my lab bench. The most powerful positive control in my life is too far away for me to repeat the “experiment” every day, so I had to find something new. I already tried the negative control of being alone, and I can say that is the absolute worst way to find your place in a community.

So I looked around at what I already knew.

I had to be present.

Remember how I said that controls have to be found? Well, I found my control a year ago.

It was on an apartment floor with three other young women, greasy food, and a good conversation. We all shared our hearts, and we talked about what really mattered to us. In an unexpected turn of events, we all described what we really wanted in life, from relationships to careers to dogs. 

This core group of women became my control.

But I did not repeat the control enough, especially in the hardest times of my project.

Nine days shy of that afternoon, I found myself in the control environment again. We sat on the same floor, with greasy food in front of us, and we talked about the same big ideas we discussed 356 days prior. However, this time it was different.

We told one another what they wanted in life.

Perhaps our understanding of the control can change, but the results should be the same each time.

A control reminds us what is meant to be, and my little squad reminded each member of their purpose and of their desires. We may not have gathered in celebration as we had the first time, but it did not matter. A control is a control. 

It doesn’t matter what the experiment is because the control should not change.

If you are struggling, take time to look around and see what you already know. There is always a person, a project, an idea, a reason to remember who you are and why you were brought to this place. God does not leave us alone. Jesus sent out His Apostles in pairs, and so too are we sent out in to this world.

No one is without a control.

Thank you to Team Newton and to my Bio Girls Squad for being my controls. I love y’all.

Where Do I Belong?

Imagine that you have come to a strange place. You don’t know a single person, and in a way, you are not even really sure who you are. Everything seems entirely new, and you don’t know where to begin.

All you know is that you had to move forward.

All you know is that you have a job to do.

But you know you’re lost.

That’s what the world can look like to many of us. Actually... this is what the world looks like to most of us. Even when we are given great opportunities, we still feel the weight of the unknown. We are lost. What’s worse, the GPS can only tell us how to get where we know we are supposed to go.

So what do you do if you don’t know where to go? Who you are supposed to be in a new place?

You go somewhere familiar, somewhere that reminds you why you came to this new place.

This sort of place is where you grew up, where you learned something about who you are and why you are on this Earth. It is a place where you learned how to love honestly, and it is a place that taught you how to be loved honestly. Most importantly, it is a place where you struggled like you are currently struggling, and in that space you were loved and supported until you got out.

But your struggles were not taken away.

No. That struggle was real, and those who shared that space with you understood that struggle. They understood how much it hurt that they knew exactly when it would be the worst and when it would get better.

In that space, you were welcome, struggle and all.

Now there are two versions of these safe spaces. The first is transient, and they motivate you to keep pushing, to keep moving forward. These sorts of places are good at the height of your struggles, but they are not going to sustain you in the long haul. The second is constant, and it is everlasting. This second place is challenging, but it permeates throughout the world and is everlasting. However, it is much more difficult to enter the second without encouragement.

Allow me to share an example of each.

I will start with the transient community.

It’s no secret that my current project has me down. I took on the work of a particularly lucky (and perhaps a bit talented) undergraduate, and I have been playing catch-up for the past six months. I thought I belonged, but I realized that I knew nothing, that I didn’t really have the skills I thought I had, and I could not make my cerebellum images look anything like my friend could.

I spent several weeks buried in mouse tissues that I am allergic to, determined to finally get quality results, the sort that my advisor would be proud of, the sort that my former undergraduate could produce in a single trial. My eyes burned from the allergens, thus hiding the tears that burned in my eyes from the frustration I felt each day walking in to the lab.

Even with one solid figure, I felt completely drained, forgotten, and overwhelmed.

But then I got to go to the Chicago Cytoskeleton Club.

While everyone there was not the same sort of biologist as me, we were all bound by similar experiences. We all knew how difficult it was to justify the importance of our work to the broader community. We all knew that microscope cameras rarely showed the same processes we could see with our own eyes. We all knew that science was more fun with jokes. We all knew the struggles, and we were all supportive of one another.

In my advisor’s talk, he explicitly stated why our project was so difficult to do, more specifically, he explained why I was struggling.

My advisor knew everything, but he was not going to take away my struggles.

My name appeared next to my undergrad’s name.

As lame as it sounds, I knew that I belonged in that space. I belonged with the scientists in the Cytoskeleton, and I belonged in the Vaughan lab as our in vivo expert. Even though it was difficult in the moment, this work would be an important aspect of our lab's history.

I was not afraid to fail anymore. This transient community reminded me of my purpose in the Vaughan lab and in the Cytoskeleton Community.

The meeting ended, and I had to get back to work.

But this sort of community did not tell me who I am. It did not tell me who I am going to be, and it did not tell me if I was going to be the best version of myself in the end. That is because the labs, the meetings, and the universities are transient communities. They cannot define who you are at your core.

That is for the everlasting community.

I will tell you Dear Readers about my everlasting community.

When I was a young girl, I came to this community frequently. There were people of all ages, races, vocations, and ideas. People were different, and yet they were all the same. They were heroes in the community and reformed criminals alike. They were friends and family.

As a child, I did not understand this community.

In fact, I rarely paid attention to the people around me.

All I knew was that when I was in that space that I was belonged. I heard stories about the many great people who came before me, people who were flawed but had love in their hearts. The older folk would eat a particularly simple meal as I snacked on whatever my mom brought for my siblings and me.

Sometimes we were late, and boy did we make noise.

But people smiled.

I grew up in this space. I grew up with people understanding the disruptions my family and me caused, and I learned that it was ok to be myself wherever I went. I grew up with people who smiled at me, and I learned how to make friends with strangers of all backgrounds. I grew up with warmth and love.

And in the end, I knew I belonged to this community, even if I messed up.

When I grew up, and lost my way, this community cried out the loudest. This everlasting community wanted me, even if I was loud and obnoxious and losing my sense of reality. This everlasting community wanted the real Felicity, the Felicity who danced for no reason and laughed at every pun that came her way.

That community was, is, and always will be the Catholic Church.

The Catholic Church is still the one place that I know who I am and where I am meant to go. No matter what happens in my life, no matter who I become, no matter the confusion or hurt, I will always belong to the Church. I belong because I am loved, just as every person in the world is loved.

Had my parents not brought me in to the church as a young girl, with all of the strange faces, I do not know if I would have come to this understanding so easily.

My parents were not ashamed of my siblings and me. They encouraged us to sit in the main church, and they helped us find our way in the seemingly routine community of the Catholic Church. Because my parents brought me in to the community, I learned that my true self would always be loved and accepted.

Now I am an adult, trying to find myself in this crazy world, and I know that I have a safe space. I know that no matter where I go that I can find a Catholic Church and that the Mass will be the same. I know that I can see a smile from a kind stranger and offer them a Sign of Peace. I know that there are many searching souls that are willing to love me for me. 

The Church knows I struggle, but She loves me for it.

Now I am sitting in Mass, looking in to the eyes of young children who do not understand where they are sitting. The parents apologize to me for the distraction, but honestly it is the greatest honor to be distracted by a child in Mass.

Why?

Because I get to show the children that I love them for who they are, just as the Catholic Church did for me as a young girl.

Thank you Moms and Dads who bring their children to Mass. Thank you for bringing them in to the main church and letting them be themselves. As a child who learned to be her true self from the pews, it is the greatest blessing that a child can receive. By allowing your child to grow up from the pews, you are giving them the gift of an everlasting community who will always remind them of their worth. 

Your child may never be able to explain why they go to Mass or why they feel so safe in that space.

People as me often why I am such a confident woman, why I am so happy on the hardest days, why I am so…Felicity. Here’s my answer:

It’s because my parents brought little Felicity to Mass.

Thank you Mom and Dad. I love y’all.

Untitled (Intentionally)

We like to make categories. 

Whether we’re the sort of people that use sticky notes for every little aspect of our lives or just throw our stuff on our desk when we get to work, there is always some part of us that wants order. We separate our days, our friend groups, our food groups, and our clothes.

Even moreso, we organize people.

Whether we like admit it or not, we make categories for people. Race, religion, and careers are the most obvious categories in the adult world, but there are even more categories within the original groups. Each person has a subset of a subset of a subset of a group we collect them inside. 

And us? 

Well, we give ourselves the most labels out of the whole bunch. We sit in a room of people who share most of our labels, but then you suddenly realize that no one shares a majority of your titles, and you panic.

Do I even belong here? we ask.

That was my experience teaching Religious Ed at Notre Dame for the first two weeks. Everyone in the room was either a theology major, theology graduate student, or had campus ministry experience. Me? I was a Biologist who loved Jesus and had little to no experience in administration. My work with Belmont Catholic hardly involved the administration, and I pretty much got pushed out when my opinions did not align with others.

How could they justify letting the “chill” Catholic teach these potential members of the Church what it means to be Catholic?

I felt unqualified, undeserving of such an honor.

And yet…

My lack of label was what made it possible for me to my job.

When we try to fit the labels society puts on us, we miss out on the opportunity to share our lives with others. We tell ourselves that if we are a certain race, religion, major, professional, etc that we have to act that way. We can’t possibly share an entirely unique opinion. That would mean that we would have to go against what is expected of us! 

What if we disappointed our peers by not being what they expect?

Trick question.

When we surprise others in authenticity, we make the world a brighter place.

No one has ever been disappointed by a genuine person.

Truthfully, no one can see your label but you. No one can fully contain you in a box. In order to do so would require these folks to spend a lifetime building a box that would fit your label to the letter. And while we think we can categorize everyone, we know that it is impossible to fully define people in labels.

So the real question is…

Why wear a label that only we can see?

The display panel that we put on our hearts only blinds people from seeing the beauty of who you truly are. No one cares that much about your favorite food or your favorite form of prayer or your favorite class in undergrad. What people care about is who comes in to their lives and what that person can offer them.

No one can offer all of the same things as you.

Let’s take my faith sharing as an example. I recently shared in a beautiful conversation with a friend about how they like to talk to me about faith. They shared with me how they liked that I was different from all of the Christians they knew, and they felt like I was just a normal person. They could talk to me freely. It was not because I didn’t believe, but it was because I was honest about my relationship with Jesus.

I don’t have a label that justifies me sharing my faith. Yes, all Christians are called to act as Missionaries, but we cannot all do it in the same way.

My lack of label brings my heart to places that others may not be able to go. I can go in to a dungeon of scientific discovery with a Rosary, and while it may not fit, no one can deny that I am being true to what matters most. Not a soul can say that I am not being myself when I connect my faith to science. It’s what makes me who I am.

That’s the difference.

When we refuse to let the titles tell us what to do, we force people to find out why we do what we do. We force the world to see that there is more to the categories that we have created.

The person defines the labels.

So why wear one?

I’m not saying that it is easy to live without a label. Our categories help guide our social interactions, but they do not really help us find the truth about ourselves. As soon as the label is missing, we find ourselves a little lost, unsure of what we would have done otherwise. We ask ourselves if it would be better if we just tried to find a new label, or maybe find a new person to talk about our label with.

We get so caught up in our labels that we forget who we really are.

I think this is the most evident in the romantic realm.

We define ourselves by our past experiences, by the people we normally pursue, by the status we think we hold. Instead of following our hearts, we choose to fit what we think everyone else wants for us.

Maybe they have more virtue than us.

Maybe they have a better social status.

Whatever it may be, we tell ourselves that we wouldn’t fit in to their world, and we step away. Hearts break. People end up walking away from amazing experiences with wonderful souls all because of the labels we choose to wear.

Sometimes we view ourselves so low that we just accept the first person that comes our way.

We spend so much time beating ourselves up, staring at our labels, that we don’t see the point of pursuing someone anymore. If someone is willing to spend time with us, then we are more willing to give up our dreams for that short moment of companionship. It doesn’t matter that we don’t feel fully appreciated or understood; we felt important in that moment.

You are worth so much more than that.

Everyone has a “little yellow umbrella” that is worth fighting for, and that person is probably not under the label you made for yourself.

Don’t sell yourself short for a few moments of pleasure. You’re awesome, and you need to act like it.

There is so much more to living authentically than the romantic spectrum. Truthfully, any aspect of our lives can be improved by living our lives as we want to live and not taking anyone’s BS. If you don’t like how people see you, then you have to show them the truth about the larger category they put you in.

The only way that you can learn the truth is by encountering the real person.

And the only way you can show your true self is if you intentionally live untitled.

Be untitled intentionally so that others may share their lives with you. For real. You are worth a wonderful soul seeing you for who you are, remembering you, and actually putting forth an effort.

Real love, even mere friendship love, is taking off the labels and just getting to know a person. It is is showing that there is so much more to your life than what you do, what you like, and what you look like. What matters is who you are, and why you are that person. When you love someone for real, you allow them to challenge you, you allow them to ask why, and you give them a reason.

People define the labels, not the other way around.

If someone has a problem with that, then they can just get over it.

Because you shared the truth, and if that truth is too much, then those social circles, those relationships, those places of notoriety, those jobs….they weren’t worth it.

You are worth it.

"Everybody's been there, everybody's been stared down

By the enemy

Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing

Bow down to the mighty

Don't run, stop holding your tongue

Maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live

Maybe one of these days you can let the light in

Show me how big your brave is"

~Brave, Sara Bareilles

FOMO

The adult world is a lonely place.

It’s not because we can’t find people to communicate with or events to attend or are too weird to make any friends. It’s because we have too many people, too many events, and too many complexities to understand in such a short amount of time.

All of these incoming sources lead to one of the biggest problems this generation faces:

FOMO: The Fear of Missing Out

Many of us try to combat the loneliness by meeting as many people as possible, going to every event we can, talking to everyone on the internet, taking on new responsibilites in the community, and attempting to be a critical part of each group we enter. Whether we are extroverted or not, some aspect of us wants to be the most important person in the community where we are placed.

We want to be needed.

Not wanted.

I am particularly susceptible to FOMO. As an extrovert that has been advised to not spend more than six hours waking on my own, I find myself trying to interact with every human. Because I am such an empathetic person, I often find the loneliest person in the room, the most disconnected parts of the community, and the underdogs in some unneccessary dramatic situation.

They need me, I thought to myself.

“And if they need me, then I will never be left out” was my next thought

It was such an honor to bring the downtrodden in to communities. I loved facilitating relationship building, and I was good at it. People trusted me with their friendships, and a few even let me set them up with people and are still together.

I made a lot of communities, but I never made myself a part of them.

People needed me for a time, and in time I helped replace myself with someone better suited for the lifestyle they desired.

In time, these communities started to create their own events, own customs, own inside jokes, own culture. Where was I? Sitting on my bed, scrolling through countless photos of friendships I created but never became a part of. By choosing to be solely a person that people needed, I lost the quality which made me desirable: being Felicity.

When people merely need you, they do not learn anything about who you are. They can’t think of you when they see a funny meme, read an interesting article, or have no one else to invite to an event.

Sure, you can go to everything and talk to everyone, but unless you take the time to foster relationships with people who want to know you as a person, then you’ll miss out on the experiences you are so desparate to be a part of.

Because you aren’t there.

Now that doesn’t mean you should be a shut-in and avoid everyone. You can cultivate an acquaintence with anyone you meet, but you can actively choose who you share your life with. Jesus loves us all, but He only had 12 best friends on Earth. Of course go to events, but take the time to have a full conversation with a person that wants to understand you or you want to understand better.

One solid conversation at a party trumps numerous dance partners.

To grow close to someone doesn’t just benefit you; it also benefits the person you are connecting with. After all, we all want to be understood, and if we know that there is at least one person who gets it, then we don’t feel all alone.

“Friendship is unneccessary, like philosophy, like art….It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.” ~CS Lewis

Even though I failed to foster some deeper relationships on my own, there were some souls who sought me out on their own. They would ask me to simply sit with them as they worked, talk to me about faith, danced next to me at parties when I was the only one who wanted to dance, and actually took the time to understand how I see the world.

I don’t understand the world like most people.

I don’t live like most people.

But the souls who took the time to get to know me brought me in to their world, helped me understand the world, stay up to date with slang and pop culture, smile brighter, and allowed me to shine for others to see.

Because I knew people were behind me, I did not fear letting my freak flag fly.

You may be wondering how we can practically get to know our neighbors in such an intentional way. I make it sound like these souls who have stayed in my life over the couse of this past year and a quarter did incredible things. The truth is, they merely did little things that reminded me of my worth and that I was wanted, not needed.

You can’t start a friendship by going deep first thing. I have done that a million times, and I can honestly say that I speak to none of these people anymore. However, you can talk about the little things you love and the little things you hate.

It’s the little pieces of our hearts that make us who we are.

And each piece of our hearts has numerous matching pieces in the hearts of those around us.

The souls that I have been blessed by this past year and a half have shown me what it means to share your heart to a chosen few. As I said, they only shared little pieces of their lives and asked me to do the same.

But they something else.

They remembered.

It’s an amazing feeling when someone takes the time to talk to you, to remember what makes you who you are, and actually is able to recall that information later on. I’m still star struck that there was someone who remembered why I don’t drink and quoted me verbatim several months later. Being tagged in a meme about something seemingly unimportant to the world is one of my greatest joys as a millenial.

So then what can we do for others?

Talk to them. Remember who they are, why they do what they do, and recall that information for them to hear.

Sometimes that is all we need to remember that we are special and belong in this world.

You don’t need to be the most important person in every circle to every person. You do not need to be needed. Because when you take the time to show someone that you want them there, they can do the same for you. You may not be everyone’s favorite person, but you can become anyone’s first choice. Just be yourself, be honest with those around you, and give them the chance to do the same in return.

It’s better to be wanted by one person than needed by dozens.

Thank you to the chosen few who have shown me just how beautiful it is to be wanted.