Risk

Comfort is a good thing.


Obviously it is good because modern society has a longer lifespan, and there are plenty of good things that have come from our comfort. However, when we choose to let comfort be the most important factor in our lives, we lose the opportunity to find something great within ourselves or in the world around us.

"The world offers you comfort. But you were not made for comfort. You were made for greatness" ~Pope Benedict XVI

For the past few months I have been taking more advanced yoga classes. At first, I would take the instructor's suggestion to take it easy very seriously. In an effort to look good, I did not try any of the advanced postures, and I would drop to my knees when we did our pushups.

I was comfortable.

But I got very little out of the classes.



When we let ourselves hide from the possibility of messing up, looking dumb, or changing what we want, we get very little out of our lives. Comfort, while wonderful, gives us nothing. It is just a routine, meant to keep us in check day in and day out.

You have to get out of that routine in order to improve.



Finally I decided to attempt a pose. It was the first time I was trying it, and I was a little anxious. Not only was it a strength pose, I was also in front of the class. The girl that made it look ok to sit it out was now trying something new, and she could probably fall flat on her face if she messed up. Still I chose to take the risk and do the pose.

I took in a deep breath and said to myself, "Felicity you're strong. You can do this."

I am strong.

I could do it.

And I did it.


After that class, I started to take more and more opportunities to improve. Sometimes I fell, but instead of being angry with myself, I smiled and dropped back for a bit. Failure did not phase me like it did before. In fact, I found myself taking more and more risks in class, just to see how strong I really was.

Yes I fell

But I finally started to get something out of yoga class.

I finally could sweat in class.


Now I am not saying that you should just jump at every risk presented to you. After all, there are many risky actions that could quite literally kill you. A healthy risk is one that allows you to improve as a person. It shows you how strong you can be, how generous your heart is, how much you have learned, or something else that shows you that you are capable of far more than you knew.

Healthy risks remove the numbing comfort that fills our lives.



I am living on my own now, and I can say that there are many risks that I could take. For the first time, I have complete control over my cash, my career path, and my social circle with very little input from those around me. There are so many ways that I could screw up my life. This could be from comfort or by risk.

About two months ago, I started to take ownership of that.



My life has become more and more beautiful because of the many little healthy risks I take every day. Instead of simply being comfortable in my little basement lab and my repetitive conversations, I started to go outside of my routine. Just like the advanced postures in yoga that taught me I could be strong, my daily risks remind me that I am an important member of society with a heart meant to love all around me.


I tried experiments that I had never seen before, and I became more confident in the lab.

I got closer to people I never would have before, and I have found more joy in my heart.

I ate food that I normally would be afraid of, and I was finally satisfied.

I admitted my defeat publicly, and I found a community I thought I lost.



These little things have allowed me to find myself much quicker than I expected. I was completely myself in every aspect of life, even if it was a little uncomfortable. Because I knew that I would get nothing out of comfort, I let myself be a part of the world that God made just for me. Sure I was an awkward turtle, but I was a happy awkward turtle. 

I even DDed for the first time at my first real party.

Fun fact: I actually had a good time



Do not let the awkwardness of life stop you from taking the risks necessary for your ultimate success. Do not let someone or something hold you back from something that makes you truly happy.  If it is a good thing, then the risk of messing up or being awkward is totally worth it.

You are capable of being happy.

All you have to do is stop being comfortable.


There is a world of adventures out there, with amazing people that want to be on those adventures with you.

Why not?

Mental Game

I received a message from a friend earlier today that said, "It looks like you're having the time of your life at Notre Dame!"

It was the most ironic thing I had seen in a while.

Coming back to Notre Dame has been nothing short of a nightmare.


The unfortunate truth is that I left Notre Dame with nothing but a string of failures behind me. My experiment that I have been working on for six and a half months still is on the first step. Another collaborative experiment I have been working on for the past month has gone back to the very beginning. My mentee has not gotten any further. My grades are hardly what they were in undergrad, and I pretend I am able to keep up by drawing figures in class.

The only thing I haven't screwed up is Micro Lab, and that's because I love the undergrads here more than a grad student ought to.

I convinced myself that it was not all that bad.



I speak all the time about how it is important to be authentic, to be honest, to be real with people. Yet here I am, playing the "imposter syndrome" game better than anyone else. My break at home looked restful, and yet I hardly slept because I stayed up late, coughing and crying because I could not sleep. Then I came back to campus and talked about how I was so grateful for a lab to come home to.

Yes, I love my lab and I love science, but I was just saving face.



The reality is that I came back to campus and I remembered just how far behind I was on my research, how terrible my Cell Biology midterm was, how little I understood in Molecular Bio, and how I had neglected my Residence Life position.

You know why I came back to the lab the moment I returned to campus?

Because I knew I could turn off all the lights and cry under my desk lamp.




My friend Lauren was told by someone that Grad School is more of a mental game than anything else. There are moments when you do not believe that you are good enough, that you do not see your worth in the midst of all the amazing people around you, that you do not feel like you belong.

"It's easy to get in to Grad School, but it's hard to stay in Grad School," my mom told me once.



I am in the midst of this mental game in a way that I have never had to face before. In the past when I did not see my worth or strength or intelligence, I would go home. I would sit with my dad and talk about my classes, and I would feel validated and excited again. I would talk to my mom about all of the people and experiences, and I would feel included and important. I would teach my little sisters scientific processes, and I would feel capable. I would dance with Cordelia, and I would feel free. I would play video games and catch with my brothers, and I would feel strong.

Team Newton is not in South Bend.

But there is hope in the darkness.



These past few days have shown me that there are always people who are there to remind you that you do belong. The Bio Girls Squad has been there every single hour, texting each other, opening up our apartments and fridges. My roommate has sat up with me while I cried about how much I missed my mom. Another good friend of mine didn't judge me too much for insisting on going on the swings at 10pm in 40 degree weather. The undergrads in my lab have let me teach them more techniques and intentionally ask me to sit with them at the microscope again.


Maybe I do not have the top score in the class anymore.

Maybe my bench work has little to show for all the hours I put in.

Maybe I am a little stressed...ok a lot stressed

Maybe I have lost my focus



I do know one thing though: I have love.

My family raised me to take in any and all hearts, listen to them, and let whatever it is go. For the first time in my life, I have been forced to ask others to let me in. It was scary, but the love of those around me here is what has gotten me through the darkest points of my return to campus. They let me be me.


Love is the one thing we need. 


Sometimes we think that we are undeserving of love. We think that our mistakes, that our misunderstandings, our failures, anything really would take away from the beauty of who we are. That is not the case. Regardless of your brokenness, you are still worth the love of those around you.


I do not know when I will start feeling at home again, and I do not know when I will be successful in the lab, but I do know that I am loved here. I know that there are amazing souls that are here to build me up, souls that are willing to be lifted by me as well.



Sure, I am screwed up.

But everyone's messed up in their own way.


To win the mental game of Grad School, or life in general, we have to admit that we are not perfect. We have to accept that it takes time to get where we need to go. In order to win, we have to be willing to fail.

And when we fail, we have to be willing to let someone pick us up.


Thank you to the amazing Notre Dame community that reminded me that while I am not ok now, I will be ok.

Order in the Disorder

I had quite the moment in Molecular Biology the other day. Our professor is always talking about how a process is beautiful, or how intimately connected two molecules are, or how amazing it is that something happens in the first place.

I’ll admit, I didn’t really have the time through my furious note-taking to appreciate the details that Dr. Huber brought up week after week.

But I am writing a blog post, so obviously that changed.

One morning we were learning about the many levels of transcription regulation. Down at the very bottom of the list were the modifications of these proteins referred to collectively as "coregulators." Each coregulator has multiple forms, and they have multiple ways to be modified, and they have many different transcription factors to interact with.

Add up all of these conditions on top of all the other levels of transcription regulation, and you get 10¹³ different combinations.

But it doesn't end there

Dr. Huber went on to describe how different tissues in the body have different concentrations of these coregulators. The difference is miniscule, and yet the difference is enough to differentiate between tumor friendly and anti-tumor conditions.

I have written before on how all things, while appearing completely random, all go towards an ultimate end. So I will not harp on that. That wasn’t what made such an impression on me that morning. It was the fact that each coregulator had subtle shifts that caused subtle shifts in the proteins they associated with that caused a somewhat major change in the end.

Every little difference makes a huge change in the overall system.

Whether we know it or not, we experience something very similar with our own relationships. Think about how many people we associate with throughout our lifetime. Think of how you met those people, what sorts of memories you shared with them, what allowed for those relationships to even exist. It becomes apparent fairly quickly that every little thing shapes the community we become a part of.

"I don't really know how I got here 

But I'm sure glad that I did 

And it's crazy to think that one little thing 

Could've changed all of it" ~Darius Rucker, This

One little thing, one decision could change the way your life worked out entirely.

My favorite example is my twinsie, Micaela. We met because there was a Christian Facebook group for our freshman class at Belmont, and they had attempted to arrange a meet up for Battle of Bands on our first friday on campus. I showed up late because I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to go.

Turns out no one else showed up.

But at the time that I sat in front of the Beaman, a girl with curly hair passed by. For some reason, I hopped off my spot and asked her, “Are you a freshman?”

Four years later, and Micaela is still one of the best friends I have ever had. Imagine if I had showed up at the earlier time and noticed no one was there and left. Imagine if I had not taken the chance to just say hi to a complete stranger. Imagine if I hadn’t been on the Christian Facebook page. Such little, seemingly random occurrences brought me to an amazing friendship.

If you stop for a moment and think about all the little things that happened in order for you to meet your best friends, your career path, or even exist, you may come to the same conclusion that we did in our Mol Bio class.

Every change, regardless of how random it is or how odd it is, matters.

Nothing is insignificant

In a world full of hurt and suffering, it seems as if our lives are just blips, unimportant to the greater scheme of things. Even if our lives are good, the world is becoming more and more aware of the suffering of those abroad, the minimalization of those unlike us, and the general apathy that society has to this suffering.

We try to combat this apathy sometimes. The money you put in the basket at church, the volunteer work you do with your organization, whatever it is you may do, seem to have an impact in the moment, but then you go home to see something tragic on the news.

It seems like all of our good efforts are futile in the end.

Can we really change anything?

The answer to this question is simple: Yes you can.

Our lives, while seemingly insignificant in the grand scheme of things, are actually critical to the overall order. Much like the coregulators with their many different combinations and interactions, we too have the potential to make a huge shift with our small life.

There are many stories out there of wildly successful people that would not be here had not one person smiled at them on their darkest day.

And for each of those stories, there are dozens more of every day people who can attribute their livelihood to the life of one other person. Think of the person that you buy coffee from every morning, your favorite uber driver, or the man at the front of the cafeteria. These jobs seem so small, and yet they make such an impact on the people they encounter every day.

I still smile at the memory of the caf workers dancing to Gospel music on a rough Monday morning.

I am who I am now because of the many amazing people I have encountered. 

Some of these relationships are permanent, such as those I share with my family, and others are transient, much like the woman I buy coffee from. Still, I know that I am better because of these interactions. Through each relationship, I have grown to be the woman who can sit in a lab and do science, while at the same time forming friendships with anyone who breaks in our door.

A few months after, I found out how important it was for me to be this person, to be the one smiling in the lab, to be the one to listen and troubleshoot, to be the one who puts a positive spin on things a little too often.

At a lab dinner one night, an undergrad mentioned that I filled a hole that they did not know they were missing.

The world is filled with holes with people that are meant to fill them. There are many wrongs to be righted, but until the right person comes along, guided by the many others they interacted with, we may never know how to fix the problems we face.

All we can know is that God is here, softly whispering in our hearts, letting us know our role in His perfect plan.

The Holy Spirit guided me to Belmont where I learned to be the southern belle I am today. The Holy Spirit introduced my parents, gave me my family, and inspired me to live the life they raised me to have. In all of the seemingly random moments of my life, the Holy Spirit was gently speaking in to my heart so that I could be where I was supposed to be, making the impacts that I may never know about.

It seems random. It seems unimportant. It seems like there is little logic to it.

And yet

All things come to a clear end.

Only God knows what is to come of the struggles and the triumphs. He knows who we need to get where we are going, to improve the lives of those around us, to become important in the life of someone else. We just can’t see the end result until we get there. 

We may never know our impact.

But we will know how much we love.

So when you feel like you don’t matter, like you can’t change the world, remember that every little interaction you have, no matter how random or intense or amazing or stupid or sad, makes a difference in the heart you share it with. You matter to that person. That person matters to everyone they interact with.

We all are connected in a messy yet perfect order.

And that’s beautiful.

Present

Four weeks ago, I started a Koru Mindfulness workshop as part of my Reslife programming. Each sunday at 3pm, we would learn a new meditation skill and talk about how to live in the present moment. We were challenged each week to spend some amount of time just being in the moment.

We were called to be present.

The first week was a struggle to say the least. 

My mind went everywhere but the present moment. Until you are forced to really focus on the present moment, you never notice just how distracted you really are. This is issue is something that everyone struggles to see in their own lives. Without noticing it, your mind goes to two places that do not necessarily help you in the moment.

First, we all think about the future. 

Sometimes it is something as simple as our dinner plans, but sometimes we think far further in to the future. The issue with spending so much time focused on the future is that we may not notice the crucial foundation being laid down in the present moment.

For example, I used to plan out my experiments for the entire week. Following that, I would commit to meetings and other such things around my planned experiments. The problem with planning without a strong foundation in the present moment is that your plans may not go as expected.

My experiments failed.

And my entire week was suddenly filled with conflicts

Had I taken the experiments one at a time and put my full effort on each step, then I might have been more efficient, and I might have had time for all the things I wanted to do in addition to my lab work.

The second place our mind wanders is the past. 

Sometimes it is just remembering what we did in class, what happened earlier in the week, or a fond memory that we found on Timehop that morning. The unfortunate truth is that we often look to the negative part of our past. 

We ruminate on the things we should not have done, the embarrassing moments, and the person we used to be. 

What’s worse, we can do the same with those around us.

By being in the past instead of the present, we force these people to become the negative versions we created. We let our negative experiences with others overshadow our impression of them, and we rarely notice it happening. 

Think of a time when you used a negative stereotype and applied it to someone without even giving them a chance to be themselves.

What happens when you live in the present?

Like I said, the first week was difficult. I managed to notice when I made the mistake of leaving the present moment in my meditations, and I managed to acknowledge when I was planning too far ahead. 

My advisor acknowledged something that was going on in my life that even I didn’t notice before.

That's when I knew I had to start paying closer attention to what was really going on around me. Following that moment, I chose to take it upon myself to notice my thoughts and feelings as they came.

Two  incredible things happened when I started to let the moment in front of me become a priority: my experiments started to work and I was able to be vulnerable with people

What had dominated my future thoughts and my past thoughts was wiped away, and suddenly the issues that came from being outside of the present moment were gone.

I actually am starting to move forward in my project, and while its still in its preliminary stages, I can confidently say that I am learning the techniques in a far more mindful manner than before and the results are very clear. 

My mentee is even more successful because of this, and the fruits of her learning are incredible to see.

I also have started to notice the emotions and thoughts of those around me in a way I did not before. Any negative preconceptions I may have had about others are melted away as I stand beside them in the present moment and let them be who they are in this moment.

And by doing so, I am able to let people in that I never would have expected to be so thankful for.

Take time to think about the present. Take time to notice who you are, where you are, what is going on around you, and who are you really standing next beside.

And when it gets too hard, just ask yourself what Say Anything asks in their song “Do Better”

Where’s the present in the way that you present yourself?