Coffee: A Felicity Moment

I love coffee.

Growing up in a household with two parents who endured STEM graduate school meant that I grew up with the smell of fresh coffee wafting in to my bedroom every morning. My parents have numerous matching coffee mugs, and we often joked around about how it would be big deal if we ever spilled their coffee.

Although I didn’t like the taste of coffee, I adored the smell of coffee.

It wasn’t until I was a junior in college that I started drinking coffee. Because I was trying to maintain a healthy weight, I decided to go straight to black coffee (zero calories!). Many folks know that my sudden ability to focus following drinking caffeine lead to my ADHD diagnosis. However, my love for coffee goes far beyond its ability to regulate my inactive motor neurons.

I love coffee because it is so much more than a drink.

Coffee is a gateway to something greater.

Think of it: a typical first date is a “coffee date.” My FOCUS missionaries often used coffee meetings as a form of evangelization. Coffee shops have their own little communities that fit their clientele. Coffee companies impact the economy, social issues, and social media. Regardless of your personal preference for coffee or tea, coffee has made an impact on your life.

Coffee is just as much social as it is physical.

One of the most “Lab Felicity” moments would be my relationship with my advisor and coffee. I wear my emotions on my face, especially when I am a little nervous about something. When I have something on my mind, like a first date or something of that nature, my advisor will walk in to the lab multiple times to crack a joke. If I can’t give him a wise remark back, then he’ll leave the lab and the smell of his coffee pot will waft down the hall.

“I brewed your favorite coffee Felicity,” my advisor will state in a matter of fact way, “You should come grab some.”

So I sip on coffee in his office and crack jokes with his buddies about current events.

My mind isn’t completely off of whatever I’m anxious about, but I always feel better knowing that no matter what happens that I am an important member of my lab. After all, science is sort of the reason why I am at Notre Dame anyways.

This world is full of so many little things that allow us to connect with one another. Creation was made so that humankind could come to know Him. As complex as that can sound, it is actually quite simple. God, the Triune God, is simply love, true love.

God’s hand touched everything, and as stewards of His creation, we ought to take some time to use what we have here to love one another, to love Him back.

Coffee is special because it is ubiquitous, it does not have to be consumed to spark conversation, and it is simple. It is a creation from human hands, made to stimulate our minds and open our hearts to what the day may bring.

We all act like it takes a lot to love other people.

But love, true love, is innately simple. All it takes is recognizing the beauty of another human being and giving a moment of our time, a moment of our thoughts, a moment of prayer, to love them as best we can. After all, Jesus only had to touch a dead child to bring them back to life.

Our simple love, along with Creation, can be radical as well. 

Not because we are raising people from the dead, but because by loving others simply and sweetly, we impact others in a way that we may or may not be aware of.

Let’s take coffee as an example.

My father is a physician, which means that for a while during his training that my dad would leave before the rest of Team Newton woke up. As the second person to wake up, I often came down the stairs to the smell of coffee brewing. 

Next to the coffee pot was a note that said “I love you.”

The simple act of making coffee for my mother only took moments of my father’s time, but he did it almost every day of my childhood. Now that I drink coffee, he will ensure that I get a cup as well. I should also note that my mother often makes coffee as well, even brewing a second pot for us all when all of the Newton kids are home for break. (Her post is coming…I will probably have to make a series about my wonderful mama.)

My parents do many things to show their love for one another. I could go on a long rant about it, and I probably will at some point, but this is a post about coffee.

Ever since I discerned that I was called to marriage over religious life, I have been praying over what my future “Saint Joseph” will be like. My dad making coffee every day reminded me that a good man shows up. Not just for the big things, but for all of the simple little things that makes life easier.

By growing up in a coffee household, I learned that most of the time all you need to do to love someone is show up.

So show up today. Take sip of coffee (metaphorical or real), take in God’s beautiful Creation, and share it with those you love today. It’s not as difficult as the world wants you to believe.

You’ll never know who is waiting for you to show up.

We Are The Story

I love stories.

I love hearing stories. I love telling stories. I love making up stories. I like being a part of someone else’s story. If there is a story associated with it, then I will love it.

This is a particularly good thing because everyone and everything has a story.

Many of us like to think that we might just have a few cool stories to share. We have a few stories locked up in our minds for parties, faith-sharing groups, heart to hearts, mixers, first dates, etc. However, what we fail to recognize is that although we all have stories that we like to share, those stories are not who we are.

We are the story.

And the story is not complete until the end of time.

I listen to a podcast by the Lanky Guys. It is a podcast designed to help Catholics prepare for the Mass. They unpack scripture in a way that I have never experienced before. This week they really struck something deep in my heart. They were talking about how the Israelites thought about only that one moment in time, and they seemed to miss the thread going through Salvation History.

We miss the thread going through our lives as well.

Because we focus so much on the old stories or on the big things we are waiting for, we tend to forget how each moment of our lives has set us up to become the person we are truly meant to be. And with that, we tend to forget how much went in to those big moments that transformed our lives.

Let’s take one of my big faith moments as an example.

I did not have very many friends in middle school. People did not understand my happy-go-lucky demeanor, and they did not understand why I would spend all of my time at dance. They bullied me to the point of me walking on our middle school track on my own. All I wanted was a friend who would be willing to walk with me.

Then I felt a warm presence beside me, and I heard a voice say, “It’s ok, I’m here.”

It was my guardian angel.

Now, if someone were to hear this story out of the context of my entire upbringing, they would not understand just how special this moment really was. They would also question how a thirteen year old kid could possibly know that an angel had spoken to her.

What many folks don’t know is that I was raised to be friends with my angel.

The first prayer I learned as a child was the “Gaurdian Angel Prayer.” When I was anxious, my parents would remind me that my angel would keep me safe and protect me. They also told me that I could my angel’s hand at Mass when there was an empty space next to me during the Our Father.

I always knew that I could talk to my angel, and I always knew that I could trust in my angel.

Had my parents not raised me to love my angel, then I probably would not have been able to hear its voice on that gloomy day in middle school. I probably would have continued to feel exceptionally lonely, even though my angel was right by my side, desperately trying to love me. Each of my little stories with my angel and the Saints lead to this moment.

How did I come to this conclusion?

Someone told me to tell them everything about my spiritual life, my relationship with Jesus Christ, from birth until that day. It was a part of the Intentional Discipleship series that I am currently participating in as a part of my formation. This was a particularly special conversation because there was not a time limit, nor did I have to worry about any other limitations. All I had to do was tell my story and trust that the Holy Spirit would guide the discussion.

I had to share my story in its entirety to see the beautiful thread running through my life. Like a rose-stem, it is covered in thorns, but at the end there will be a beautiful flower.

So too with your life, Dear Reader.

You might not think that everything in your life has meaning Dear Reader.

However, sometimes the little things are the most important parts of the story to those who listen.

I know that my parents knew that teaching the Newton Children about the Communion of Saints and the Angels was important, but they never could have predicted just how much I would need those in Heaven to love me here on Earth. They could not have known that I would be bullied like I was in middle school. They could not have known the spiritual experiences that I would have that would force me to search for answers from Sts. Teresa and Therese. 

Because my parents shared that little piece of their lives with me, I was able to live a fuller life of faith and hope.

Make sharing the little moments of grace in your life the norm. 

God is writing a beautiful story with each and every human life. It might not look perfect, but your life was given to you by the One Who Loved You First. We might understand some of the more exciting chapters, but that does not mean that the “filler” chapters do not contain meaning.

Yes, we can find the beautiful thread on our own, but it is incredibly difficult. That is why we need to share our lives with others, with those who love us for who we are, no matter what.

The story is not your’s to keep. It is your’s to share with the world.

I encourage you, Dear Reader, to find a soul who would be willing to hear your story in its entirety, no judgment nor strings attached. Maybe participate in a group like Intentional Discipleship, or perhaps find a friend who appreciates your story for what it is. Maybe you have a great Spiritual Director.

As you share your story, you will start to notice just how many things God has done in your life, and your listener will have the opportunity to share insights with you that you might not be able to notice on your own.

I am grateful to my God for the many beautiful stories that He gave me.

Now I can see how my little stories are tied together, and I look forward to seeing what happens next.

I pray that you find your story Dear Reader. I pray that the thread of your life is as unexpectedly beautiful to you as mine was for me. I pray that you find a soul to listen to you, and I pray that they have the same humility as my small group leader had while listening to me. I pray that the souls you share your smaller stories with, such as some of my best friends, find the same humility and are able to share stories with you too.

You have an incredible story ahead of you Dear Reader

And I look forward to hearing it

A Brief Consolation

I know that this is not one of my normal posting days, but I felt as though this little snippet needed to be sent out to my Dear Readers. It doesn't really fit with anything I have written before, but I hope that at least one of my Dear Readers receives some consolation from what little I have to share.

Yesterday, I asked Jesus in Adoration for an explanation for one of my little spiritual gifts.

I grabbed a Bible, looked Him straight in the Bread, and said, "Please help me find the right verse. I need to know what is supposed to happen, what I am supposed to do." These sorts of prayers rarely bear fruit, but yesterday...it sort of did. The answer is indirect, but I think that might be so that my Dear Readers might receive some sort of consolation. 

My stories are not mine to keep, and my spiritual gifts are not meant to heal me: they are meant to serve others...serve you, Dear Reader.

"Build houses and live in them; plant gardens and eat their fruits. Take wives and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters to husbands, so that they may bear sons and daughters. Increase there; do not decrease. Seek welfare of the city to which I have exiled you; pray for it to the Lord, for upon its welfare your own depends.'

'For thus says the Lord of Hosts, the God of Israel: Do not be deceived by the prophets and diviners who are among you; do not listen to those among you who dream dreams, for they prophesy lies to you in My name; I did not send them-oracle of the Lord.'

'For thus says the Lord: Only after seventy years have elapsed for Babylon will I deal with you and fulfill for you My promise to bring you back to this place. for I know well the plans I have in mind for you- oracles of the Lord- plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope. '

'When you call Me, and come and pray to Me, I will listen to you. When you look for Me, you will find Me. Yes, when you seek Me with all your heart, I will let you find Me- oracle of the Lord- and I will change your lot; I will gather you together from all the nations and all the places to which I have banished you- oracle of the Lord- and bring you back to the place form which I have exiled you."

~Jeremiah 29:5-14

This passage is part of Jeremiah's letter to the Israelites during the Babylonian Exile.

I think we all feel a bit like those in exile.

We think that we can get out of our exile, but we do not know how. Instead of accepting the state of life we are in, we choose to complain. We choose to dream about getting out. Most of the time, however, we choose to do nothing with what is already in our midst. Without gratitude, our time away from our goals and dreams turns in to a time of despair and loss. Without hope, our time without answers turns in to a time without faith.

We should never stop trying to live our best life.

Because it's not about us.

Dear Reader, you have a future of hope. You have a place where you belong: here. Because Heaven is not this place high up in the clouds that is out of our reach. Heaven is perfect union with God, who became man and walked on this Earth. Heaven is union with Christ, and that is something we can all grasp, something we can all hold on to, something worth fighting for.

We need to stop trying to change what is happening around us. We need to engage as opposed to disengage. We need to commit as opposed to retreat.

Build houses. Build a life. Pray for those God has entrusted to you in this moment, here and now.

Because, Dear Reader, the life you've been searching for, the quest you've embarked on, the mission you are called to, it's right here, right now. Whether we like it or not, we need to get through these difficult times of exile in order to arrive where we truly belong. If the Son of God had to die a slave's death, then we must accept our own difficult times.

In the silence, seek The Lord with your whole life.

And, in time, He will speak to you again. In small unexpected moments, He will lead you to the Home you miss so much. He will give you the souls you need in order to grow in love. He might not be speaking because He is just listening to you right now. He loves you, no matter what.

Build your little houses. Build a life in those little houses.

Because, my Dear Reader, it's worth it.

Something Better

“The difference between a good scientist and a great scientist is learning when to keep hitting the hammer on an idea and when to let go.”

That was what my committee member told me after I shared what I would deem to be one of my most exciting results of my entire career. It has been a few months since she told me this idea, but I keep coming back to it. She was talking about my advisor’s project at the time, but the concept can be applied to so many other things.

She thought my advisor was great because he trusted in his hypothesis, which I have written about before, but I think she was missing something crucial.

She missed how my advisor approached his hypothesis.

In my lab, we are taught to design experiments that are meant to disprove our hypothesis or reveal something new. We are not supposed to design experiments that only have results when our hypothesis is correct. In fact, our experiments are designed in order to reveal multiple levels: yes, no, or anything in between.

We do not exclude the unpredictable. We do not disregard surprises.

We have expected results, but when they do not come, we do not throw the unexpected out of the window. We test those new results, those new ideas, and we create new models which explain the world as it really is.

So, if I were to rephrase my committee member’s statement, I would say that, “the difference between a good scientist and a great scientist is learning how to let go of one’s expectations in order to make room for something better.”

But that is not just in science.

We all get fixated on certain things. Most of us learn how to let go of whatever it is that consumes our thoughts. However, many of us also fail to truly let go. We sit in our rooms wondering, “what if?” as if there would ever be an answer.

But there never will be.

Because what if’s do not change what happened.

I know scientists, even former scientists, who continue to think about projects they worked on as a graduate student or how the project of their former post doc would fare had they stayed in the lab. Some have even told me that they lose sleep on occasion because an old idea comes in to their heads.

Even though something wonderful, such as a cover article in a top tier journal, is sitting in their lap, they still wonder what would have happened if they got the results they were looking for.

Great scientists are willing to let go of their expectations in order to make room for something better.

Great Saints are willing to let go of their expectations in order to make room for something better.

How?

Regardless of if you are a scientist, a teacher, a homemaker, a doctor, a lawyer, a manager, you are all called to be Saints. Therefore, this act of letting go in order to make room for something better, this act which is shared by scientists and Saints alike, is something that each human being has the capacity for.

Faith.

Faith is not just this blind trust that everything is going to work out exactly the way we want it to. If anything, faith is a lot like a well-designed experiment. When we choose to trust in The Lord, we open ourselves up to anything and everything that He wants to give us.

We should not exclude the unpredictable. We should not disregard surprises nor miracles.

Like a well-designed experiment, living a life of faith allows for all possibilities. Sometimes that means our lives follow a path we desire, but it might not look exactly as we pictured  it. Sometimes that means we do not receive what we desire. Sometimes that means that we do receive everything we ever dreamed of.

But like science, a life of faith never looks exactly as you pictured it.

It might be similar, but when our lives are entrusted to God, they are even better than we imagined.

I say this like it is easy to simply entrust our ideas, our dreams, our little annoyances to God. However, anyone who knows me knows that I am always trying to do something to “help” Him help me. I constantly pray novenas and do little devotions and beg Him to tell me what is going on. Much as a graduate student can pester their advisor for new assays and opportunities instead of trying to succeed with what they had, I spend most of my prayer time begging God for something new.

Even if God wanted to give me something new, there was not enough room in my world for additional grace. I would need to let go of something.

I have a lot of all-consuming thoughts.

How could I let go?

I think the main issue that many of us have with entrusting our concerns to God is that we do not know Him well enough. It takes a lifetime to truly know and love Christ, and even then, we will not know Him fully until we reach Heaven. Trust often requires a certain level of familiarity, of knowing that the person we are entrusting our concerns to would be able to understand our needs.

So then, when we struggle with anything in this life, and we are struggling to understand the man who died for us, to whom do we share our struggles? Who will understand us?

Mary, the Mother of God.

Allow me to explain how that works.

Imagine Mary at the foot of the Cross. There was her Son, her beautiful Son, covered in blood and tears, and she could not do anything to stop the pain. Even if she knew that this would happen to Jesus, she knew that she could not help Him anymore. He would die on the Cross. And with Him, her vocation, her life, her heart…

Mary was a mother, and now she would be a child-less widow.

Then her Son looked down on her, with more love and anguish than any soul could know, and He gave her a family. Because Jesus’ Bride is The Church, His family would never cease to exist. Mary would always be a mother, even if her Son did not walk on the Earth anymore.

Regardless of if Mary knew or understood that Jesus would resurrect in three days, she knew in that moment that her role as the Mother of the Messiah was far better than she ever could ever dream.

And she accepted that better reality.

She accepted us.

Source: Heroes of Virtue

Mary, Our Lady of Sorrows, knows our ache because she knows the ache of her Son. Moreover, she loves us as our mother. She is our mother forever. This peasant girl allowed God to save us from our sins, and she allowed us to become our children as well.

In her darkest hour, Jesus fulfilled her deepest desire: to love Him forever.

She loves us forever too.

As I have said a thousand times over, I have several all-consuming thoughts. At the Vigil Mass for Our Lady of Sorrows, I heard the Gospel about Our Lady at the Cross. My heart broke when I realized that Mary wanted to love me, but I wasn’t letting her in. I asked the Blessed Mother to take one of my consuming thoughts. It was something that hurt my heart from time to time, and I could not allow it to continue its course through my heart.

From that evening on, my mind has been surprisingly silent.

Mary took my concern, and she is taking care of the problem. I am not perfect, and I think about it from time to time, but I do not feel like there are only two possibilities anymore. Much like a well-designed experiment, I realized that maybe my idea has some truth, but it might look different. Through Mary, Jesus will make my dreams far better than I can imagine.

There is always something better Dear Reader.

And Mama knows where to find it.

Dance: A Felicity Moment

Most folks know that I love to dance. I danced all the way through middle school drama, high school stress, and undergraduate decision making. Dance was, and still is, a big part of who I am and how I approach the world.

However, for the longest time, I did not dance unless it was “socially acceptable”

I remember watching, horrified, as my parents danced and head banged to songs on the radio as a kid. People were watching them! Why wouldn’t they stop dancing? Don’t they know how embarrassing that is for their daughter?

Now if anyone has looked at any of my social media, they would know that I actively dance everywhere I go, no matter the circumstance.

So what changed?

It all started with Metallica’s album Death Magnet. I bought the album and burned it on to a disc for my dad and I to listen to on our way to my 5:30am dance practices. Even though it took me a long time to appreciate metal for what it really is, I loved listening to my dad describe the complexity of the music, the skill of the musicians, and the surprising draw the entire band had on their fan base.

Eventually, I would head bang with my father.

Mostly because no one was on the road in Tucson, AZ at 5:00am.

Over time, I started to dance more and more in the car. Music made me want to dance, regardless of the genre or the content. I loved to dance. I was good at dance. It was when I chose to stop hiding my talent, stop hiding my passion, stop hiding how much love I had in my heart that I realized just how happy life could be.

They often say that if you are on stage and feel a little foolish that you are doing something right.

We feel foolish because we think that our joy in that moment does not fit with reality.

And it’s true.

Our joy does not fit in to reality because our lives are not meant to be like everyone elses’. We are not meant to be exactly like everyone else. That’s why following our vocation seems a little foolish: it does not make total sense in the moment. However, once you overcome the foolish feeling in your gut, you fall right in to place, and the world is better for it.

The best performances come from those who fully commit to their story.

They take ownership of who they are at all times, whether that be in character, or walking down the street after a long day of rehearsals. Committing to a passion, whatever it is, contains both the highs of completing a task and the lows of preparing for the next step.

It is not easy to commit to what can make us truly happy, especially when it makes us feel a little foolish at the start.

So you take little steps, day by day, saying “yes” to whatever comes your way.

Think of something that makes you happy. It can be as small as dancing in your car. It can be as large as building houses for the poor. It can be as simple as having deep conversations with like-minded souls. It can be as complex as conducting an experiment. 

Now think about your day to day life. Do you incorporate lessons you have learned from those happy moments in to your routine? Do your actions in these little vocations satisfy your heart, at least a little bit?

These little consolations are a sign that God has given you something special.

But how do we recognize His voice in these little moments?

You need to look at what happens to the world around you. If we are living the lives we are meant to live, then there will be a response in the world. Some may not want to see your life, your “performance” if you will, but for the most part, souls are in desperate need of our little moments. We are all seeking God’s love, but until someone is willing to share His gifts with us, we are often left wondering where to look next.

A great performer draws people in. They make people feel something. Some are challenging, some are comforting, some are entertaining, and yet all of them elicit a response from the audience.

This world is our stage, and we are meant to use our talents, no matter how foolish they feel, in order to draw others in.

I was driving around town a few weekends ago when I realized just how important it was for me to live out my inner joy. There was a family in the car next to me, and the parents were dancing in the front. In the middle row was a little boy, probably eleven or twelve years old, who looked absolutely mortified.

In response, I rolled down my window, blasted a rock song, and did the most epic air guitar solo of all time.

The little boy was shocked to see another young person dancing in the car. At first he seemed horrified, but within five seconds, he was dancing to the radio with his parents. A bright smile few across his face, and I could see him giggling.

When we share what God has given to us, no matter how foolish, it brings Heaven to Earth.

It is an act of love.

Think again about what makes you happy. Is there something that you only allow yourself to experience in secret? Is there something that has helped you love the world better, but you kept it quiet for fear of looking foolish or being rejected? Is there something that you know would not only bring joy to your life, but also console the souls around you?

Take a small step today.

I do not know what your hidden gift is, my Dear Reader. All I know is that you are very much loved, and if you are willing to take your gifts out of the box in your heart and share them with the world that you will be so much happier. Yes, you will be vulnerable, but that will only draw others in all the more.

God wants you to be happy.

So if you have been rejected before, then step out on to that stage again. If you have been laughed at, then dance bigger. If you have been hurt, then smile brighter. There will always be Someone who enjoys your show. He died and rose from the grave to see it.

Dance like the world is watching.

I promise you…beautiful things will happen in the end.

Shared Loneliness

Loneliness.

It’s a feeling that I have gotten particularly used to over the past several years. 

I used to think that it was just me. I used to believe that I was the only one who spent their Friday nights alone in bed with another run of The Office or How I Met Your Mother playing. However, as I started to spend time with other people, I started to realize just how many of us felt the same level of disconnect that I did.

Maybe it wasn’t that I was different.

Maybe it was something else that we, as humans, are experiencing which draws us away from one another.

There were few, if any, opportunities for social interaction during my Writtens preparation. However, whenever I did get the chance to interact with someone, I nearly burst with affection and joy. I often apologized to my friends for talking so much and for so long. They all chuckled and said that they understood how I felt.

All of the stress lifted off my shoulders simply by laughing with another person. 

It did not matter who I was talking to; all that mattered was that we were sharing in an experience, exchanging some form of affection, sharing in what felt missing.

It was then that I realized what was driving our loneliness.

Loneliness is caused by the inability to share love.

Love is meant to be shared, experienced between persons. Sure, it is nice to receive affection, but how can we really know what it really means to be loved until we do the same? Of course, that leads in to the real problem.

We are afraid.

Deep in our hearts, we know that love requires self-sacrifice. We have believe that we have something to lose if we share our love with others, especially those who are not guaranteed to give it back to us. We fear losing ourselves, and in the process, we lose the chance to grow in love, to experience the friendship and community that belongs to each member of the human race.

There are people everywhere, people in need of simple love.

And yet we ignore them, all because we did not choose for them, myself especially.

I interact with people every day. I go to Walgreen’s enough to be on a first name basis with the cashier (Dennis is the bomb.com y’all). I work in a lab with three grad students and four undergraduates. I get coffee twice a day. I attend Mass almost every day. I am part of a large department with over a hundred graduate students.

And yet, I bow my head, saving all of my love for the people I choose, the people I am closest to, the people I expect to return my love.

But I did not choose these people, at least, not at first.

Each and every person in our lives was given to us by God. Each soul has a purpose in the world, and we can become a part of that purpose. It may be as small as contributing to the businesses we frequent. It may be as large as being a friend or family member. Regardless of how we encounter someone else, we are a part of their story.

We do not choose the people who enter our lives.

But we do get to choose to love them for however long we want.

Sometimes we are great at loving others. We smile and share in their lives for a time, but then something happens, and we are left wondering if that love was worth it. Did it really matter if we spent more time at the coffee counter? Did it really matter if we went to those club meetings? Did those extra activities actually matter?

Did the love I give matter at all?

The answer to love is always simple: yes.

During my time of Writtens, I was particularly good at loving strangers. I could smile to people at church, talk to cashiers, and interact with rival football teams. However, it was the people that I knew from past activities or people that I only knew on an acquaintance level that I chose to ignore.

“The way you love and experience love here is a reflection of how God wants to love you. He wants to do so simply, in the people we are often annoyed by, the people we often we choose to ignore, the people we generally would not expect.” ~Fr. Brian

Like I have said time and time again, God loves us through the unexpected moments.

It is our choice to be open to these moments and to love the souls we are given in those moments which helps us find the love we have been missing all along.

I was walking in on the Monday morning of my first written exam. My stomach was doing back flips. My hands were shaking, and my palms were sweaty. My head hurt. My heart was going faster than I wanted. My rosary was pinned to my side.

I really needed some love that morning.

As I walked towards the building, a girl from my cohort pulled up her bike. Due to being in such a different field of research, I did not know her well enough to push through my barrier of fear. I needed love that day, and instead of taking the risk to receive the love I desired, I kept my head down.

Through my music I heard her yell something.

I turned around and took my headphones off. My fellow biologist smiled at me and wished me good luck. 

Honestly, I was shocked. We were hardly friends, and yet she remembered that I was taking my written exams and wished me well. I was afraid to give love, and yet she choose to love me anyways.

Maybe we would feel a lot less lonely if we took the risk to love others like that.

Maybe we would find our place in the world a lot faster if we weren’t afraid to receive the love others want to share with us.

Now I am not saying that we should not choose to love others more deeply. What I am trying to say is that we need to stop putting up barriers to how much love we can give and receive. It is never a loss to love one of God’s little ones. Yes, we must be careful with our hearts, but simply wishing someone well, caring for a hurting soul, sharing time with another soul, these things are never a loss.

Sometimes these moments of love will grow deeper in to true friendships, but oftentimes they will not.

That’s ok.

All that matters, all that ever really matters, is love.

There!

My family likes to tease me for not being able to find anything. No matter what I am looking for, I will spend probably half an hour searching the house to find the item.

I usually remember the room where I last saw the item

But when I look in the room, I just glance around and walk away. I pass on what I originally believed because what I was looking for was not sitting out in the open. I won’t dig through a closet, look under a couch, or open a few extra drawers in the original room.

I will tear up the rest of my home/bedroom/apartment searching

Even though I knew where I was supposed to be looking.

Last week I wrote a particularly sad post. Maybe it sounded empowering, maybe it sounded like a sign of humility, maybe it sounded like I was entrusting my dreams to the Lord. However, for the souls who know me a bit better, that was one of my most pathetic blog posts. I was stressed about passing my writtens, and I channeled my fear of not progressing as a scientist in to not progressing as a Disciple of Jesus Christ.

Funny story…I was searching for an answer I already had

Not just for my writtens, but also for my journey Home.

My heart jumped when I saw the question for my advisor’s exam. It was what I was expecting: a question our field has been trying to answer for over forty years. Sure, there was not a correct answer, but I had to develop a strong hypothesis that was testable. The hypothesis required extensive background research, citations, and a lot of confidence. Even with all of the literature in the world and all of the confidence I instilled in my undergraduates…

My hypothesis was lost.

And I thought that there was nowhere for me to look for it.

Desperate, I clutched my figurine of Our Lady of Mount Carmel, and I asked Our Lady to help me remember all of the work and inspirations the Holy Spirit provided to me over the past few years.

A wave of peace came over me, and I remembered that I loved to design experiments.

So I decided to ask a simple question and address it with two experiments I developed over the course of the past week. I knew how to design experiments. That was why my peers had such confidence in me and why my advisor claimed to not be worried about my performance.

Two and a half hours later, I had a strong hypothesis and research plan. I went back to write the rationale for my hypothesis.

It was then that I realized that I had developed this entire project before.

There was a picture of my model hanging on the wall across from my desk for several months.

I forgot my model, my well-designed and characterized model, because it was counter-intuitive. Although it fit with all of the literature perfectly, down to the exact genes involved, it was an intellectual leap. My model was complex in the timing and the mechanisms involved, but when one boils it down to the bare minimum, it was simple. Unexpected… but perfect.

God takes the unexpected and makes it the only logical conclusion.

So then how did I have my answer in front of me all along when it came to my relationship with Christ and His Church??

Well…I think I was experiencing what Christians have been experiencing since the very beginning of the Church.

Impatience.

The early Church expected Jesus to return within their lifetimes. Although this is a good way to live, there was a key problem: people were still dying. The early Church worried about the salvation of their families and friends who would not be present with them when Christ returned. Even though they accepted the counter-intuitive reality that God became a man and rose from the dead, they could not accept that the souls they loved would be able to experience the same reality.

And yet, we are all alive in Christ Jesus.

Our hope is in Him, and He always delivers on His promises.

I was afraid that I was not living the life Christ needed me to live. I was afraid that I was not responding with enough heart to the sufferings of the Church. I was afraid that I was not sacrificing enough in order to help more souls return Home. I was afraid of so many things…

“But wait, everything can change. 

In a moment’s time, you don’t have to be afraid ‘cause fear is just a lie. 

Open up your eyes” 

~Strong Enough to Save, Tenth Avenue North

Fear is just a lie.

Our impatience with Christ is rarely a reflection of our position in life; it is a reflection of our weakness, our inability to trust in His goodness. The early Church did not trust that Christ will raise all of us on the last day. The modern Church does not trust that Christ will work miracles and wonders in our lives. We long for answers, for quick fixes, for action…

But we’re just tearing up our houses looking for something we already know we have.

It just takes a little time, a little growth, a little humility to find what Christ gives us every single day.

It takes getting down on our hands and knees, making ourselves small, to find the beautiful little gifts we’ve had all along. It takes cleaning up our inner chamber to see where our love lies all along. It takes changing our perspective, slowing down, and remembering what we already received.

Because it was never our choice to begin with.

“It was not you who chose Me, but I who chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit that will remain, so that whatever you ask the Father in My name He may give you. This I command you: love one another.” ~John 15:16-17

Christ chose each and every one of us. Not only that, but He chose us so that we could go out in to the world, bring joy to the world, and receive everything we could have ever wanted. He gave us a mission and a purpose, and that purpose is perfectly aligned with our truest desires.

He wants us to know His love, and He gave us a perfect way to find that love.

In one another.

It is our choice to love one another. It is our choice to be loved by others. It was never our choice for Christ to love us, to give us the greatest lives possible, but it is our choice to stop, look around, and accept whatever love He wants to give us.

That love will come from the most unlikely places, from people who you once believed hated you, from strangers on the street, from friends and family…

But it all comes from Christ, who will love you forever, who will choose you forever.

So yeah, maybe I am impatient, and maybe I am terrible at realizing what is already in front of me, but I do know two things. However these two things play out do not matter. What matters is that I always live a life of love, of faith and trust in the One Who Loved Me First.

I was made to do science.

I was made to love and be loved.

My Dear Reader, no matter what stressors exist in your life, no matter what is hurting your hope, know that there is nothing that you cannot do. Christ made you specifically, chose you over everyone else, and is empowering you for a specific mission.

Like myself, you might have a hard time sitting in your innermost chambers cleaning up the cobwebs to find the gift Christ put there.

But I promise you…

We always have a reason to hope.

Always.