Cardboard Castles

For those of y’all who are unaware, I am actually a pretty big fan of rap music.

There is this song by Watsky called “Cardboard Castles.” The narrator, Watsky I presume, is in his room, building a castle out of cardboard, shoestrings, soup spoons, and tin foil, even though he is a grown man with a real life and real responsibilities, such as rent.

Why would he be doing so?

Well as Watsky says, “I’m still dreaming after all of these years.”

It’s one thing to dream as a kid. If anything, it’s easier to dream when you are a kid. There is always someone out there saying that you can do anything you set your mind to, just so long as you do the work. You don’t know what can go wrong, and you don’t care if anything goes wrong. 

After all, we have all had our block towers come crashing down.

I have written previously about how the world tells us that we have to grow up. Somewhere in history, the idea of dreaming became more of a joke than a reality. The American Dream became the American Hand-out. As we grew older, we were reminded over and over again why we were not going to be successful. 

Dreams are for children. Stupid little innocent children who don’t know any better. The castles they build in their hearts will amount to nothing more than a cottage in the real world.

So then… if we want more dreams to change the world, then we are going to need a few more child-like people. People who are willing to build cardboard castles.

That can be you.

"Because if we don't build it, who will?"

I’m a child. I’m so child-like that I can be found skipping down the hallway late at night with a Tootsie Roll Pop in my mouth and giggling about nothing in particular.

I don’t do sad for very long.

When I have my bad days, it shocks a lot of people. I don’t like to be sad. I don’t do sad, and the month of November was the most uncharacteristic month of my entire life. Crying to my friends on a weekly basis about something stupid was just not like me. 

People do not believe that it is possible for me to be such a happy person. I have to be fake.

The thing is, my joy is real.

Many people would believe that this is possible because I have not had my dreams dashed yet. In fact, there are two boys that actually make fun of me for being happy, and they spend a lot of time trying to make me angry, just because they want to see if it’s possible. They think it’s funny that I am happy. And as much as I wish it was only them, I have had many people egg me on, just to see if they could get a rise out of me. From boys throwing gum in my hair to now, my child-like spirit has been under attack.

“You’re too innocent to understand Felicity.” they sneer and snicker.

It is true that I have been saved from many heartaches of this life, but I am not without burden. Do I wish to broadcast the darkest parts of my life? Certainly not. Do I wish to make myself a martyr and say that I have overcome great trial to earn praise? Certainly not. What I am trying to say is that while it may appear that I have never had a truly painful moment in my life, I have seen and heard and experienced things that I sometimes wish never happened, or that I had not done such things.

But those moments were in the past.

And my castle still stands.

See, my Tata taught my little brother and I to build all of our towers with a strong foundation. My parents took that to the next level and raised all of the Newton kids to build our lives on a strong foundation. If we wanted our dreams to come true, then we were going to have to start with the best foundation.

With a strong foundation, we may be broken down, but we have a place to start again.

Not all is lost.

Such a foundation is difficult to find. You have to find a foundation that is larger than life itself. It must go beyond your wildest imagination. It cannot be something in this life, something that you can control. If you base your whole life on your own strength and merit, then you are going to have a bad time. 

I know this because I have based my life in my own triumphs, my own glory, my own notoriety, and I let it all fall apart.

When I was in high school, I based all of my hopes and dreams on meaningless romances. It became so real that one boy was actually able to convince me that I was unworthy of love from anyone other than him. All of the hope that I once shared with so many others was dashed, and I lost the ability to believe.

My foundation was dismantled, and my castle fell apart.

I could tell the whole story, but to save space and time, I will simply say that my little brother showed me his foundation, one that I could share, and my life was changed for the better. It was the single most powerful moment of my upbringing, and Mark does not even remember it happening.

It was not without effort that I rebuilt my life. What made it possible for me to rebuild was hope. It was the hope that God had given me. And like all other great things, I did not find this gift by myself.

I was given this gift of hope from the joy of a boy in my University Catholic community.

When I was a freshman and a sophomore at Belmont, I was struggling to build my castle up again. There was this boy that was just so happy. It seemed like nothing could touch him, not even the impending life decisions he was making. As stressful as life should have been, this boy was filled with joy.

The dots connected: the same foundation that my brother gave me was the same one that held this awesome guy up.

I wanted to be like that.

What was that foundation?

The Cross.

Like I said, we have to find a foundation for our castle that is not going to fail us. It has to be beyond this life, something that cannot be shaken by this world. There are many powerful forces, such as family and friendship, but there is nothing bigger than God. I mean... “God is bigger than the boogie man, he’s bigger than Godzilla or the Monsters on TV.”

Believing in Jesus means that I have Heaven at my side.

With Christ as my foundation, all of my dreams have a chance.

“Dreams that bear the mark of love are dreams that never die.” Moving Forward, Colony House

You do not have to just rebuild when your dreams are contested by life. In fact, with a strong base, we are able to remodel pieces of our lives. If the roof comes in, then we know how to reinforce it for the next storm. If our windows shatter, then we know which glass to use in the future. Dreams can change and grow, especially when they are founded in something that cannot fail.

“This life’s our greatest project. The journey is an art”

~Cardboard Castles, Watsky

I am remodeling myself every day.

That is why I do not appear sad for long. 

Much like the boy I witnessed as an undergrad, all I want to do is share the joy I have found with the world. I want to share that even though there is so much hurt and suffering and plenty of reasons to quit that there are many more reasons to keep going. My foundation has changed my life for the better, and it is all because of the joy given to me by the amazing souls that have touched my life.

Speaking as someone who had to rebuild from the foundation up, I know that it is difficult to even consider founding our life on something we cannot even see. Faith is not easy.

But do you know how much God loves you at the bottom?

Hint: It's a ton.

A little while ago I was blessed with the opportunity to see this love. Many of my friendships begin with an overly emotional conversation. It’s not my fault, but people always seem to share their story with me. I don’t care, and I don’t tell people about the hardships that my friends experience. That’s just not cool.

But anyways, there was a beautiful soul that was sharing their story with me.

Over and over their castle was broken down. Yet they kept building their castle, time and time again. They believed that they could make it better, that if they just kept trying that maybe just maybe it would be ok. Even still, this soul was kicked and beat down in ways I could not fathom.

So there this soul sat, completely vulnerable and empty.

I was speechless for the first time in my entire life.

It was odd because I was not sad or scared. I was not confused or hurt. No. As I sat with this friend, I felt nothing but an overwhelming sense of love. This person was a dreamer, even though they could not keep themselves standing for very long. They had loved and were loved, but they could not find true love and happiness in this life. 

The love did not come from me.

It came from God.

There were no words for me to say. It has been quite some time, and yet I am still without words for how beautiful it was to feel such love in my heart for a dreamer with a broken down castle. I was incredibly humbled to share in that experience, and I did not feel worthy to speak. Whatever love I had was pathetic in comparison to the immense compassion filling my heart. 

For the first time in my life, I saw myself as God saw me. 

I saw this beautiful friend, and I loved them.

God showed me this soul, the soul of a child crying out for love and support and care, and He told me “I love this person. Look at how beautiful they are.”

All of us are children. Whether we choose to accept that or not is up to us.

We are all meant for amazing things. There is no dream too great, no goal too difficult, no hope unworthy for us because we were made by a great God who can do all things. Much as a child can believe that their parent can do anything, so too can we believe that God can do anything. It may not look like what we expect at the end of the day, but it is all worth it.

I don’t care if I am found dancing or laughing. I don’t care if people call me a child.

All I can hope for is that they see my joy and some day find it in themselves.