Will you love the “you” you hide if I but call your name?
Will you quell the fear inside and never be the same?
Will you use the Faith you’ve found to reshape the world around,
through My sight and touch and sound in you and you in Me?
~The Summons, John Bell
“Jesus I don’t…I don’t know if I can do this,” I prayed silently after the March for Life. The gift I thought I received to help me boldly proclaim the Truth was not what I thought it was. Now I was tired, lonely, and afraid.
“Felicity,” a warm voice came to me. I had never heard such love in a voice ever before. Despite my insecurities, I knew that it would be ok. My Jesus was taking care of me.
It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger but then I'll admit I'm just the same as I was.
Now don't you understand. I’m never changing who I am
~It’s Time, Imagine Dragons
“What are we going to do?” my student looked at me with fear in her eyes. It was there where I had to make the decision: give up and accept the beating or be the mentor that I aspired to be. These three girls did not know what they were up against, scientifically or personally, and yet they chose to trust in me, their second year graduate student to guide them.
“Damn good science,” I said, my heart beating faster than I cared to admit, “That’s what we’re going to do. People will question you, question your mentor, question your premise, but they cannot question good science.”
You love me like death in reverse.
~Death in Reverse, John Mark McMillan
I saw seven souls standing before entire congregation, holding candles in their hands. Some were crying, some were laughing, but all of them were smiling with a new light in their eyes. At long last, they were Home in the Catholic Church.
As they ran about the church, lighting the candles of each member of the congregation, I realized that maybe it didn’t matter that the boys near me weren’t my Joseph. What mattered was the joy and light of the Gospel.
He called my name…why didn’t I listen to Him?
Without you, I feel torn, like a sail in a storm.
With you, I’m just a sad song.
~Sad Song, We the Kings
Dressed up in Vaughan Blue and ready for my Cell Seminar presentation, I looked at Cell Team with pure joy. Even though their work was questioned, their model disapproved of, and their hypothesis difficult to explain, the STARD9 Superstars successfully defended their work. They spoke with confidence, and they were all coming back in the next semester to work in the lab.
I avoided looking at my senior students. I did not want to admit that my best friend at Notre Dame was graduating, nor did I want to think that I would soon have to develop hypotheses and methods on my own.
Thankfully, I had a dream, students who loved me, and a project worth doing.
And why does my life have to hurt so much?
Why can't I find any peace or love?
And why do I feel like I'm not enough?
Dear God, are you sure that you don't mess up?
~Dear God, Hunter Hayes
My vision slowly returned after a few seconds on the dusty lab floor. Our lab was running low on funds, the publication was far from being finished, and I hadn’t slept well in over two months. I could not tell anyone that I blacked out in lab for the second time; it was my fault that we hadn’t published yet…or so I thought.
Lonely, broken, and afraid, I begged the Blessed Mother to help me. I gave her all of my science, and I begged her to take the exhaustion and fear away from me. This work was no longer mine, but God’s.
Take my life
Take all that I am
With all that I am, I will love You
~Like an Avalanche, Hillsong United
“I’m going to do it,” I said, standing up quickly and grabbing the unopened bottle of reagent, “The Blessed Mother taught me this in prayer. It has to work.”
A few hours later, with tired eyes and a spinning head, I looked down in to the microscope.
The second miracle in the basement.
“Cause you know that if you live in your imagination
Tomorrow, you'll be everybody's fascination
~Make It Shine, Victorious Cast
“Is there anything else you need?” I asked for the thousandth time.
“Nope,” my advisor looked at me with the most straight face I had ever seen from him, “You’re done.”
The figure that loomed over my head for years was finally finished.
Even if I knew you'd be my best and worst mistake
Oh, I'd still make it with you
~Break Up in the End, Cole Swindell
I sat in the Live Cell Imaging room with my mentee. I wanted to feel better, but it was really hard to admit that by this point no one really cared about this guy. He was not my Joseph, no matter how much I convinced myself that he was. I lost time in the lab, time in prayer, and time with friends chasing after so many guys.
“Yeah it sucks,” I said to the girl down the hall who I had told way too many of these stories to justify, “I mean…God has to do something with this. But seriously…there are no good guys here. My mom said that I probably can’t find the right guy because he’s in Florida or something.”
Despite the many mistakes I made chasing men who were not healthy for me…God did do something. He sent me to just the right people to share my heart with.
But just like a lifeline right on time,
I met you at the end of the world
~End of the World, Kelsea Ballerini
“Felicity stop!” the girl down the hall called after me, “I found your soul mate!”
Never fear, no never fear
So let your heart hold fast for this soon shall pass
~Let Your Heart Hold Fast, Fort Atlantic
Six hours worth of questions. Seven minutes worth of talking. After two and a half years of being teased for my enthusiasm, of being very lonely in the department, I was finally able to share the story of my research to an audience that really got it. I could not stop smiling. It didn’t matter that I didn’t see the city or do anything particularly “interesting” to the rest of the world.
A piece of my dream came true at ASCB. I saw a piece of Heaven at ASCB.
So I’ll keep my eyes open, awed and amazed,
and if you start to doubt it, I’ll remind you of the million ways I see it
I see it, I swear I do. I see extraordinary magic in you.”
~Extraordinary Magic, Ben Rector
It was the end of my first date with Shawn. We were in the Frassati House Chapel. I rested my head on the altar, just like I used to back in the days when I hugged the base of the altar with bitter tears streaming down my face. My head slid to the side, and I saw my boyfriend prostrate on the ground with his fingertips touching the base of the altar.
Somehow God brought a guy from Florida to the basement of Galvin. Not just any guy, but a guy who wanted me to feel respected, a guy who would drive several hundred miles to meet me and Team Newton.
As I prayed, I couldn’t help but think of the love I heard in that voice in January. Maybe I really had found a piece of that love here too.
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