No Expectations

They say that the world is filled with loneliness.

Without someone to cling to, we often feel, as Taylor Swift would say, “lonely in a crowded room.”

This disconnect makes it difficult for us to take risks, to go places, or to pursue what we really want in life. How many times Dear Reader, have you chosen not to go somewhere because you weren’t close to anyone at the event? I know that I have forgone many opportunities because I was alone. That is not the best way to live life.

But how are we supposed to go anywhere without feeling uncomfortable?

The answer to that question is rooted in a separate and hidden question: how do we become close to anyone?

I think we often forget how we feel in the beginning of our relationships. In the midst of the many comfortable relationships we have, we tend to ignore the unknown and awkward interactions. Somehow we forget the first interactions, the first meetings, the first jokes, and sometimes we forget how we met in the first place. This is not a bad thing, but when we forget the beginning, we lose the beauty of the end.

What happens at the beginning of a relationship?

It’s awkward.

Super awkward.

Maybe it is not awkward for all of my Dear Readers, but I think I speak for many people when I say that the first few encounters we have with a new person or a new group of people is awkward. They do not know the fundamentals to our lives, such as being allergic to certain food items, and they certainly do not know our backstories. The vast amount of information left to be shared with this new person can seem daunting. 

There is not an easy place to start.

But maybe there is.

One of the greatest parts of being an RA is the opportunity to meet the students where they are. Most of the students do not want to be your friend from the get-go, but when they need you most, they will come. Usually they come at some odd hour of the night, pound on your door, and by the time you open the door, they are reduced to a puddle of tears on the floor.

There is no time for fundamentals.

All you can do is pick them up, brush off the dirt, and jump in to their lives as they are in that moment. No backstories. No questions. Most importantly: no expectations.

I cannot begin to describe the number of friendships I formed by being in the right place at the right time. Some of these moments were joyful, such as a school dance. Other moments were intense, such as being thrown in to a particularly difficult cell biology lab gorup, and many were heartbreaking moments that I wish never happened to those souls.

All I had to do was be there, with the person, and accept who was in front of me. I could not make them less happy, less stressed, or even less sorrowful. Each friendship I formed came from quick acceptance and love.

Most relationships do not happen this way though.

Most relationships take time.

If we were to think back to all of our current relationships Dear Readers, we would see how long it takes for each friendship to form. Through several moments, we draw closer to those we are granted to share a life with. Some of these moments are joyful, some are stressful, and others are sorrowful. Regardless of the moments we share, we got to know each person in our lives by sharing these moments.

But there is a key part to those moments.

We had to be present for them. We had to care.

When I say present, I do not mean that we are in the room. Being present means you accept the moment as it is, and you do not hold it to any particular expectation. You share that moment with the soul you were granted to meet, and you allow it to happen as it is meant to happen. Even if it is painful, the memories we share with the people we befriend are opportunities to draw closer to them.

The real them.

If we do not accept the person for who they are in that moment, then we do not really get to know them at all.

Now this does not mean that we cannot hold others to hide expectations. To be present with a person means that you recognize who they are in that moment, and you recognize how their life can be changed in each moment. You can help them reach their potential through love, but you cannot change how they are going to act in the moment.

All you can do is love the person in front of you.

Not the person that used to be there.

Not the person who will be there someday.

The person in front of you.

This past weekend I got to spend a few days in Nashville with my family. I did not make any specific plans as to what I would be doing in that time. All I wanted was them. However, the months that passed fogged my memory of what home would feel like.

It was loud, but not in a bad way. Team Newton is filled with joy, and laughter, and fun. This means that everyone has something wonderful to share, jokes to tell, and love to give. Our dinner table typically has five different conversations going at one time, and it can be easy to lose yourself in the dialogue.

I was overjoyed with the love and happiness in the room.

However, I was stressed by the noise. I had no clue where I was supposed to fit in to the conversation.

Then I took in a deep breath, and I stopped putting an expectation on my interactions with Team Newton. I let my mind stop moving from point A to point Q, and I let the conversation flow as best I could. Without expecting anything other than love, I fell back in to the natural dialogue of my family.

Now that I am back at Notre Dame, I would do just about anything to have that joyful noise in my life again.

Team Newton is a special group of people. I was born in to these relationships, so the beginning times are difficult to remember. However, I think that this brief moments upon my return to Nashville taught me a valuable lesson about my family and relationships in general.

My family is nothing but the love of the Holy Family, and I am eternally grateful for that truth.

Relationships begin when we expect nothing but love.

The beginning of any interaction is awkward. However, if we stop trying to make ourselves fit in to the dialogue, if we stop trying to make something happen, if we expect nothing other than love, then we can overcome the awkwardness. Each relationshp in our lives emerged because we were able to surpass discomfort with love. It may have been a series of small moments, like those I share with my undergraduates, or it may be a big event.

Any person we encounter can become a special member of our lives.

All we need to do is expect nothing other than love.

Not love from them, but love from ourselves.

So if you are trying to decide if you should go to event Dear Reader, go to the event. If you are trying to decide if you should ask someone out Dear Reader, you should ask them out. If you are unsure about anything because of the unfamiliarity of those around you Dear Reader, then you should take confidence in the fact that there are no expectations in this life other than love.

Love always wins.

Even over the awkward silences you think will never end.