“What now?” seems to the question I hear every day. Most of the time it comes from my own lips, but I hear it all the time. However prevalent this question is, I don’t think that is what we are really trying to say.
Instead of “what now?” we really mean “what next?”
By living in a state of “what now?” we are forcing ourselves in to some sort of intermediate phase. We act like the current moment is really just a transition.
From the moment we wake up, our mind is focused on how we will get where we need to go next. We get dressed so that we can look presentable in public. We drive one way so that we can get to work sooner than the rest of the team. We do so many things, and yet none of these moments are enjoyed to the fullest.
After all, if we’re standing still, we’re probably wasting time.
…at least that’s what we tell ourselves. That’s what I tell myself.
I pulled myself through the crowded Midway TSA line with a dab of old-man spit on my sleeve and a few jokes to tell my family when I got home. I already spent an hour waiting to check in for my flight, and the TSA line was long. The prospect of being home in less than five hours made my heart race.
Then I looked up at the flight information.
Delayed an hour.
That did not feel too bad. If I drove from South Bend to Nashville, then I would be getting in at around the same time as the delayed flight. I still had The Interior Castle to listen to, and I had a podcast queued up. If anything, I was more than prepared for the wait.
Then we were delayed again.
I was not prepared to be told to wait even longer.
I realized that I would not be home for several hours after the time it would take to drive. Sure, it would wear my car down to drive so often, and it was not safe to risk a snowstorm on the way home. However, I did not want to be stuck in an airport. My family was on the other side of that plane. It frustrated me that I couldn’t do what I wanted, when I wanted.
Tears welled in my eyes, and I pulled my beanie down over my eyes so no one would see the nearly 24 year old crying about a delayed flight.
Of course, I was on a flight with several Southern Mamas. These mamas do not miss a thing, and they do not let you go a minute without a conversation. A sweet woman laughed at the situation and asked me if I was ok. Being the extrovert I am, I pulled my hat off of my face and laughed with the woman. Soon there were many Southern Mamas making jokes about the weather and the south.
Sometimes you need to stay in a place to understand what it is like to be loved by the people in that space.
I think that sometimes the reason why we do not want to stay somewhere for very long is because we do not think that anything can be found in the valleys of waiting. We do not want to look around us and let others in because they have not been there for very long. Furthermore, we do not want to look around because we do not know if those people will be there in the future.
That should not matter.
Because I have already blogged on this point, I will just say this: even if you do not have someone in your life for very long, it is never a loss.
I know that many of my Dear Readers have had the rug pulled out from underneath them. I know that many of my Dear Readers find it difficult to trust that little moments of love could really make much of a difference. I know this because I’ve been through it too, and in some ways still am.
To respond to the aching in our hearts, we ask, “was this time a waste?”\
In the loving laughter of those Southern Mama’s, I came to understand how valuable the briefest exchanges really can be. When we love others, we do not lose a thing. If anything, we gain a smile. When we are loved by others, we do not lose a thing. If anything, we gain hope for the world.
Of course it will always hurt when the moment is more brief than we want.
However, that love you received brought you closer to becoming who you are made to be. Love is a transforming force, the sort that makes the world brighter and better. Therefore, you cannot quantify love by the amount of time. In addition, you cannot predict the amount of time you get with people. All you can do, wherever you may be placed, is love with all your heart.
Hold nothing back, and you will be transformed ways you never expected.
Dear Readers…that gift cannot be taken away. Even if the souls you encounter leave, the love and growth you received will not be taken from you. Love, like energy, cannot be created or destroyed.
As if it were an answer to a prayer, a voice came on the intercom to tell our flight that they took a plane from the international terminal so that we could be in the air on time. All of the Southern Mama’s cheered, and I texted my family group chat in all caps.
We hopped on the plane, and everyone was in good spirits. Nothing could stop us from getting to our families for Christmas. All of the anxiety from before melted away as we boarded the plane in what felt like record time.
Then a ton of maintenance problems happened.
And we left even later than if we waited for the original delay.
Much like if I took my car home at the expense of my safety, the decision to pull a completely different airplane from the international circuit ultimately revealed all of the risks associated with forcing a situation to move forward too quickly. Certainly we were safe, but we would not have had to worry about our safety had we just waited for our original aircraft.
Many of us believe that we need to understand “what’s next?” with everything we participate in. Before a moment passes, we ask everyone about the nature of where we are. Scientists will make huge claims about curing a disease in a grant that is merely characterizing their animal model. People will try to define the relationship before they have gone on an official date or will count someone out before they even get a chance.
We try to take a struggling plane up 30,000 feet when we really should just wait out the storm.
We do not want to stay in one place, and because we think we know the fastest way to our destination, we end up risking what we already have.
After all, isn’t it a waste of time?
I did not have any work to do over break. For the first time in forever, I had a real vacation.
Many of my fellow scientists would say that my decision to not try to analyze my data even more, develop more projects, or move my project forward was the worst thing I could do for my career. If you are not working, then you are not going to make the discoveries.
I sat in the middle row of Team Newton’s black passenger van as my parents ran errands for my sister’s birthday. My parents are amazing, and they attend to all of the needs of the children, even those that are unspoken. For me, that is driving me around because my ADHD makes it difficult to stay in the same place all day (and at the same time makes me a really great biologist…more on that later).
My mind jumped back to lab as my father drove across the hilly landscape. It felt weird to know that the only “work” I did this Christmas was putting coat hangers in my suitcase for my behavioral analysis this semester. No one knew anything about what my lab really studied, and if anything, I had no reason to worry.
Even still, I could feel the anxiety of being scooped in the pit of my stomach.
Then my mother turned on this song:
“It was time well wasted
and there’s no way I trade a few more dollars in my pocket I could’ve spent
for a day I would never forget
No I didn’t get a thing done
but I sure soaked up every minute of the memory we were makin
And I count it all as time well wasted”
~Time Well Wasted, Brad Paisley
No, I did not do any fundamental science while I was at home, but I spent time with those who love me best. By soaking up every moment I had with my family, every memory we made, these are what will propel my project forward and make me a better scientist.
Why?
Because through their love, love that I must take time to accept and experience, I remember who I was made to be.
Every minute I spent with my siblings playing games reminded me of how I worked in a team. Every minute I spent with my mother reminded me of how I am to love. Every minute spent sharing a bed with my sister reminded me of the warmth of a family’s love.
Our vocation in this life is in relation to others, and it should never be an autonomous decision.
Every time my sister gave herself insulin, I was reminded that basic science still didn’t understand the mechanisms underlying some of the most common ailments. Every time the youngest struggled with a loud noise, I was reminded that all minds are beautiful, but we needed brave souls to do jobs that are otherwise considered “unsuited for them.” Every time I watched my brother write an essay for college, I was reminded that there were so many young people that needed someone to guide them.
No, I did not do any science, but I did see the questions I needed to answer. I did see my role in the world. I did see the necessity of my little place in the world.
Why?
Because I loved my family and they loved me back.
We do not need to know what is coming next if we know what we had before and what we are working with right now. We do not need to know who will be in our lives if we remember the souls who touched our hearts before and forever.
What’s next for me?
I do not know.
And that is the most comforting feeling.
I do not need to know what will happen with a boy, what will happen in my experiments, or even what my career will look like. All I need to know is that I am loved, most particularly by my family. Not just my family as it is right now, but as it was when I was born, the family that will some day accept me as one of their own, and the family that I will be humbled to create with another beautiful soul.
So let’s “waste” a little more time.
Let’s stop saying “What now?” and start saying “I love you” with our lives.
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