A Truly Felicity Moment

A Felicity Moment is a happy little moment given by grace in order to bring joy to the world.

And as much as I would love to post my originally intended “Felicity Moment” for today, I know that there is something much more pressing to write about. It is a promise, a promise that more Felicity Moments will happen, but they need to be placed in the proper context.

Because as silly and sweet as I can be, it is not without purpose.

Because as enjoyable as it is to write about the little things, I need to be honest with my Dear Readers.

I’ve been hiding.

I have been hiding my true passions, my true hopes, my truest desires from the world because I did not want to lose anything. My passion is for the suffering of Christ. My hope is in Him. My desire is that each and every soul I encounter meets Our Lord.

And forgets me.

Because I was made to be forgotten.

We do not know the Saints because they liked certain colors, did certain research, or lived at a particular time. We know them because of their love…a love that never belonged to them. We know the Saints because we know Christ. We remember Christ in them, and that is what matters.

We’re all made to be forgotten, made me to be absorbed in the love of Christ, joined together in Eternal Communion.

Like a rainbow, we all emit a different light, but our truest form of beauty comes from being one…together in the light which refracts from the rain.

Why…why do we keep telling ourselves to hide our light? Why do refuse to let light in to the darkness?

It’s because we rationalize.

We say that our time to fight for truth and justice can come later. We say that we are too weak, too naive, too young, too ignorant, too cis, too trans, too conservative, too liberal, too old, too busy. We can always come up with a reason to wait to be our full selves. We can always say that there is a reason to be hidden in our little stone houses, afraid to come out to the world in the light God made specially for us.

There is one moment that I will never forget.

I was standing in this exact same spot with my crush two years ago. An old man was standing in front of the chair chanting the Psalms. Within seconds, I realized he was praying Compline. I pulled out my phone and started to pull up the prayer. Even though I knew that my crush was not religious, I was prepared to join in the prayer with this old gentleman.

I was living away from home for the first time in my life, and the prayer was my first taste of the Universal Church outside of Mass. It felt like home…

But then my crush started to openly laugh at the old man.

And I weakly joined in.

I laughed because I did not want to lose my chances with this guy. Even though I knew that it would never work out with this guy, I hid my greater desire for a chance to experience romantic love again. I hid my heart out of lust, out of fear, out of an irrational series of thoughts that still run through my mind.

I rationalized hiding my burning desire to pray with the Church by saying that I did not want to scare off my crush. I told myself that I didn’t want to scare my crush away from the Church, but really…I did not want to scare him away from myself.

You know what the old man did though?

He chanted even louder.

“When we realize that Christ truly has a courageous love for us, we are inspired to have a courageous love for Him, and that leads us to love everyone else like Christ does.” ~Fr. Pete

There never was a later.

If we are honest with ourselves, all we ever really want is to be loved. Yes, having a career and the means of survival are key, but at the end of the day, it is love that we want…what we need. You can lose your job, be thrown in a concentration camp, watch all of your friends walk away, and you can still have the one thing that can truly make you happy.

From the moment of our Baptism, we received the Spirit of Christ in our hearts.

We received the unconditional love we always wanted.

The powers of Hell will never prevail against that love. It is only our own decision to lock that love away, to hide in our little stone houses with the windows shut and the lights off which hides us from the truth that we are truly loved.

When we realize that, we realize that we have nothing to lose.

There never was a later. Because if we lose what we thought we wanted all along, then we will receive Heaven instead.

From the moment the scandals came out, from the moment Satan’s 100 year hold on The Church was unbound by Our Lady, I have felt nothing but fire in my chest and a nervous feeling in my stomach. Yes, I have my written exams for my PhD candidacy next week, but my real test as a consecrated child of Our Lady of Mount Carmel has already begun.

I hid my faith so many times because I thought I knew what it meant to truly be loved. I hid my faith because I wanted to be able to connect with people like I see all of the neurotypical people do.

But that’s not who God made me to be.

God made me to be the Kid Captain of Team Newton (the next Martins if I’m being honest), a sister to Therese of Lisieux, a daughter of Teresa of Avila, a friend of Felicity and Perpetua, a student of Luigi Variani, a companion to Gemma Galgani…God made me to be a Saint.

To be a Saint is a lonely road. I will lose many friends, be judged every day, and experience many doubtful moments.

However, I know that when I draw nearer to Christ that people see something different in me. They come to me more often, and they find comfort in a way that does not come from my heart. In time, they forget that it was me that they came to comfort because I am no longer me, but rather I am Christ. Felicity is ok, but Christ is a greater memory.

I only prayed for two things for myself for my entire life: that my nausea would go away and that Jesus would bring my Saint Joseph.

There is nothing I could want more to experience on this earth than raising up a family of Saints. However, I know that my flame burns differently, and I know that I can no longer hide it under a wicker basket. The Church needs souls who can smile and skip in the rain. The Church needs brave souls who realize that they nothing to lose.

There are tears in my eyes as I write this, but I must write these words. 

For the sake of the Gospel, I may never receive the one gift I always wanted to receive. It is my hope that my Jesus will provide my heart with a soul who is unafraid of my spirituality, who is willing to fight in this war beside me, who will fight for me.

That man may never come.

I will continue to believe that my vocation to be the happy little rose which grows best on the base of The Cross will not leave me alone. However, my cross is a perpetual loneliness caused by a smaller right cerebellum and other unknown genetic components. It is an ingrained falsehood put upon me, a lie the devil will remind me of every chance he gets. 

The devil will tell me that I will always be alone...but I know the truth.

I will always have Team Newton, the Communion of Saints, and Jesus Christ Himself.

I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

So do you Dear Reader.

“Then Jesus said to His disciples, ‘whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. What profit would there be for one to gain the whole world and forfeit his life? Or what can one give in exchange for his life? For the Son of Man will come with His angels in His Father’s glory, and then He will repay everyone according to his conduct.’” ~Matthew 16:24-27